Choice to change happiness

Things happened. I experienced tons of disappointment, heartbreak, and loss. I was unhappy even when I’m surrounded by a lot of people. So, I made a choice – I chose to change and find my happiness.

But the path to happiness isn’t an easy road to take. Happiness wasn’t served on a silver platter. It wasn’t like a destiny that I just needed to wait, and it will happen.

I struggled to find things that would make me happy. I kept wondering the how and what. I questioned if there’s something I can give my heart to settle and just feel happy being alive. I tried, I tried so hard, but nothing makes sense.

Until realization dawned into me. I was looking in the wrong direction. I am doing the wrong thing. I realized that the answer to all questions is within me. I needed a version of myself that is entirely different from who I was. So, embrace what is inevitable – change.

I stripped down what’s holding me back – people, expectations, perspective, and values. And as I walked through this path, I was alone yet, surprisingly, I never felt lonely. I was happy - genuinely happy. And feeling that, I knew I did the right thing – change.

I embraced my own mundane existence. I accepted my imperfection, my flaws, and the person that I turned out to be. And I carried all these with understanding, self-awareness, forgiveness, love, and pride.

Who I was is the best version of myself to many different people except to my own self. I served and loved but forgot myself in the process. But these - my experience and my past, showed me to be right for myself. I recognized that I’m not always going to be someone else’s cup of tea. Everyone has their own standard of what is right and wrong, what is success and failure, what is pride and honor, what is good and bad, and what is love and hate. I somehow understood that not all people I meet are meant to shine my shoes. I must walk and choose my own path even if it means I need to walk alone.

At this point, I’ve learned that happiness lies in the choice and decision we make. There will always be days of sadness, failure, doubt, and grief but the choice to move forward, the courage to decide the risk I am willing to take, and the consequences that I am willing to live with is what, I believe, will lead me to my happiness.

Life is not easy, and I think it will never be. Despite all the realization that I had; I still think that I am bound to fail. I know for a fact that I will have moments that I will feel lost and stuck. There will be times I will still question my own capability and I am so sure that I’ll have a lot of sleepless nights because I overthink. I still believe that there will be days that I will dwell on my past and the heartache it caused me. But that is life. It is an evolving process. It is a continuous cycle of chasing what will make me happy. Because not feeling all these negative emotions and not having bad or heartbreaking experiences will lead me to missing the opportunity of knowing what happiness really means.

I think I came too far from where I was. I grew and changed. But as I look back, with all the things that happened, when I think about it, I always come out differently and realize that I am much happier than I was. Not in an instant but at some point, I will realize that I am.

And so, I may be wrong, but the definition of happiness especially in every single situation depends on how I wanted it to be. What I chose it to be. It is possible that what will make me happy now will not be the same tomorrow. But I guess, it’s for me to find out if I am right. For now, as long as I keep on choosing to change, I know, I'll find my happiness.

 

Election Rant

I can't stress enough how frustrated I am sa result. Paano nangyari ang nangyari? Ano ang mali? Bakit? Kasi sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga macomprehend yung naging result. Anong klaseng track record meron siya bakit siya binoto ng ganun kadaming Filipino? Ano yung mga plano niya sa bansa para iboto siya ng mga tao? I spent the whole night and day wondering about it pero olats. Wala akong maisip. 

Mas nakakapagod lalo na kung nakaka receive ka ng message na mang aasar lang dahil natalo yung kandidato na pinili kong suportahan na akala mo nag sabong lang o nanood ng basketball game sa Araneta. Pero totoo bang natalo ako, kami? O natalo tayong lahat? Itataya ko na it's the latter. Hindi ako o kaming bumoto kay VP Leni lang ang natalo. Dahil sa tingin ko, sa paniniwala ko, talo tayong lahat. Ang tanong, gaano kabigat ang pag katalo nating lahat sa laban na to? Yun ang hindi ko alam. Ang mga susunod na taon lang ang makakapag sabi. And I'll wait and watch the future unfold. 

Alam kong hindi dapat. Kasi dapat pinipili natin na dapat may gawin di ba? Because, us, Filipino deserves better. But we do what we can do to pick up ourselves up. Hindi kailangang huminto ang mundo. It hurts, yes. It's heartbreaking, yes. But we need to keep moving forward. Pero hindi ibig sabihin ipipikit ko yung mga mata ko at hindi titindig kung kinakailangan. I will if I have to. Pero selfish mang pakinggan, pero sa ngayon, kailangan kong piliin ang sarili ko. Nag kakaroon na ako ng anxiety dahil dito sa eleksyon na to at hindi siya maganda para sa akin - sa mental state ko. I fought so hard to be where I am and I can't go back to where I was. 

Naririnig ko nanaman yung nagsasabi na dapat hindi ako dapat maapektuhan kasi election lang to. Na hindi nga ako kilala nung mga kandidatong pinili ko. But I am affected because I know that it's something bigger than me that is at stake. Isa pa, it's my own feelings we are talking about. Who are they try to invalidate my feelings? 

Siguro sa huli, gusto ko lang sabihin na proud ako sa binoto ko at sa binoto ng pamilya ko - ng nanay at ng mga kapatid ko. Ginawa namin ang obligasyon naming bumoto. Pinili namin si VP Leni kasi alam naming siya yung kailangan natin, siya ang kailangan ng Pilipinas, but other Filipino said otherwise. At okay lang yun kasi may sarili at kanya kanyang tayong opinyon at ginawa lang nila yung sa tingin nilang mas deserving - unless otherwise bayad sila. 

But evertheless, sana, sana, I'm hoping and praying, na tama sila ng pinili. Tama ang pinili nila. Dahil in the end, we will reap the fruits of this election. Hindi lang ikaw o sila, kung hindi tayong lahat. 

So this is it. This is, hopefully, my last rant about this election.

Comethru

"Soon" they said when I ask when will I found myself

But the more I stay the more the feeling complicates

Can I turn around and stop making amends?

Coz it would be nice to feel free and find some solace

I keep wondering what I missed in this uphill road

I guess, I should I have not listen to Robert Frost.

Coz right now I am missing some hopeful thoughts,

It's all because of the great yellow wood.

Now I don't know to whom I belong

Coz it seems to me there is no better choice

I keep hearing voices as I walk along

Wiping away the little voice that I call my own

In this frame of mind I don't want to go on

I want to spear away and heal invisible wounds

And even if loneliness appears in the nightfall

At least the choice that will be made is my own

So in "soon" I will no longer want to wait

Perfection, doubt and fear I will never chase

I'll succumb to the little child that lives within

I guess, me, losing myself here is a perfect way to escape.

August 7th flight

It's 2:37PM and the engine starts to roll

I'm leaving the place that became my home

My heart aches, I don't want to go

But I need to make a decision for me to grow

The distance seem so close yet so far

I know I can give a call, but it's not enough

Maybe the feeling of physical touch

Is far more different than any virtual

It's 2:41PM  and we're still on the ground

And I hear a sob from the back

Could I give her something to wipe her tears?

Coz I know it's hard to leave half you heart here

The plane starts taxi and then it flies

Then I look down, and see the church stand proud

I'm not a religious, but it makes me smile

Coz my home seats 100 steps away from where it stands

I'm hundred feet above, and surrounded by clouds

Funny how it never give a knock in my heart

I always wanted to belong somewhere safe

Maybe someone else's presences' is okay

Finally, I hear the captain's voice

Apologizing for the delayed that came before

Sharing our current location and some procedures

Oh, he also said, we'll arrived at 3:15PM

The flight didn't bored me so much

Maybe because I'm writing throughout the flight

But still this flight is delayed, I will not let it pass

We reached NAIA 41 minutes past the hour 

Saturday

The gloomy weather speaks 

While I'm sipping my favorite drink

Wondering how my day will be

If it will be just like all these years

The clock is ticking

Working how it should be

But sometimes I'm hoping 

It stops and let me free.

People walk back and forth.

Living the fast phase world

Are they feeling my yearning?

Or it's just my mind that is freaking?

I'm gone tired of staring

So I asked for my free refill

Maybe another cup of coffee,

Can make my mind at peace.

Lost and Found

When you stare and look me in the eyes

You'll find the truth and all the lies

The words and hurt I kept behind my mind

And all the other things I wish no one can find

I tried so hard to keep the façade.

To make everyone satisfied, happy, and glad.

But every time I smile, it breaks me more in the inside.

Oh, I feel so lonely being surrounded by a crowd.

As time passed, I felt so tired to carry the mask

And it sparks an act of courage to put it down.

But when I saw the person behind all the act,

Then I ask, "Where is the girl I used to know and love?"

Memories keep flashing like rays of light

Confusion, anger, and sadness are raging inside

Why I let myself hide the truth and live half of who I am

Just to serve a master that never care enough

I feel my soul burned cause I lost a certain part

Although regret is eating me up deep down

I know that even if I'll try so hard, I lost her now

And there's no chance to have her back this time. 

So I'll move on to live in this judging world

To follow my path and live with my truth

And even if the world will go against my tide 

I won't let it stop me to set my wings and fly. 

Insomnia

It's hard to sleep tonight

Can't put my mind to rest somehow

Wondering how the day went by

Am I over thinking again tonight? 

Why is it hard to sleep every night?

To pull away from what has passed

Embrace the future and accept the solace

Oh, all I wish is just to sleep well tonight

I hope the darkness devour me tonight 

To fall deep down, away from the light

Let tomorrow be a mystery that will come upon

But just for tonight, let me have a good night.