Things happened. I experienced tons of disappointment, heartbreak, and loss. I was unhappy even when I’m surrounded by a lot of people. So, I made a choice – I chose to change and find my happiness.
But the path to happiness isn’t an easy road to take. Happiness wasn’t served on a silver platter. It wasn’t like a destiny that I just needed to wait, and it will happen.
I struggled to find things that would make me happy. I kept wondering the how and what. I questioned if there’s something I can give my heart to settle and just feel happy being alive. I tried, I tried so hard, but nothing makes sense.
Until realization dawned into me. I was looking in the wrong direction. I am doing the wrong thing. I realized that the answer to all questions is within me. I needed a version of myself that is entirely different from who I was. So, embrace what is inevitable – change.
I stripped down what’s holding me back – people, expectations, perspective, and values. And as I walked through this path, I was alone yet, surprisingly, I never felt lonely. I was happy - genuinely happy. And feeling that, I knew I did the right thing – change.
I embraced my own mundane existence. I accepted my imperfection, my flaws, and the person that I turned out to be. And I carried all these with understanding, self-awareness, forgiveness, love, and pride.
Who I was is the best version of myself to many different people except to my own self. I served and loved but forgot myself in the process. But these - my experience and my past, showed me to be right for myself. I recognized that I’m not always going to be someone else’s cup of tea. Everyone has their own standard of what is right and wrong, what is success and failure, what is pride and honor, what is good and bad, and what is love and hate. I somehow understood that not all people I meet are meant to shine my shoes. I must walk and choose my own path even if it means I need to walk alone.
At this point, I’ve learned that happiness lies in the choice and decision we make. There will always be days of sadness, failure, doubt, and grief but the choice to move forward, the courage to decide the risk I am willing to take, and the consequences that I am willing to live with is what, I believe, will lead me to my happiness.
Life is not easy, and I think it will never be. Despite all the realization that I had; I still think that I am bound to fail. I know for a fact that I will have moments that I will feel lost and stuck. There will be times I will still question my own capability and I am so sure that I’ll have a lot of sleepless nights because I overthink. I still believe that there will be days that I will dwell on my past and the heartache it caused me. But that is life. It is an evolving process. It is a continuous cycle of chasing what will make me happy. Because not feeling all these negative emotions and not having bad or heartbreaking experiences will lead me to missing the opportunity of knowing what happiness really means.
I think I came too far from where I was. I grew and changed. But as I look back, with all the things that happened, when I think about it, I always come out differently and realize that I am much happier than I was. Not in an instant but at some point, I will realize that I am.
And so, I may be wrong, but the definition of happiness especially in every single situation depends on how I wanted it to be. What I chose it to be. It is possible that what will make me happy now will not be the same tomorrow. But I guess, it’s for me to find out if I am right. For now, as long as I keep on choosing to change, I know, I'll find my happiness.
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