Choice to change happiness

Things happened. I experienced tons of disappointment, heartbreak, and loss. I was unhappy even when I’m surrounded by a lot of people. So, I made a choice – I chose to change and find my happiness.

But the path to happiness isn’t an easy road to take. Happiness wasn’t served on a silver platter. It wasn’t like a destiny that I just needed to wait, and it will happen.

I struggled to find things that would make me happy. I kept wondering the how and what. I questioned if there’s something I can give my heart to settle and just feel happy being alive. I tried, I tried so hard, but nothing makes sense.

Until realization dawned into me. I was looking in the wrong direction. I am doing the wrong thing. I realized that the answer to all questions is within me. I needed a version of myself that is entirely different from who I was. So, embrace what is inevitable – change.

I stripped down what’s holding me back – people, expectations, perspective, and values. And as I walked through this path, I was alone yet, surprisingly, I never felt lonely. I was happy - genuinely happy. And feeling that, I knew I did the right thing – change.

I embraced my own mundane existence. I accepted my imperfection, my flaws, and the person that I turned out to be. And I carried all these with understanding, self-awareness, forgiveness, love, and pride.

Who I was is the best version of myself to many different people except to my own self. I served and loved but forgot myself in the process. But these - my experience and my past, showed me to be right for myself. I recognized that I’m not always going to be someone else’s cup of tea. Everyone has their own standard of what is right and wrong, what is success and failure, what is pride and honor, what is good and bad, and what is love and hate. I somehow understood that not all people I meet are meant to shine my shoes. I must walk and choose my own path even if it means I need to walk alone.

At this point, I’ve learned that happiness lies in the choice and decision we make. There will always be days of sadness, failure, doubt, and grief but the choice to move forward, the courage to decide the risk I am willing to take, and the consequences that I am willing to live with is what, I believe, will lead me to my happiness.

Life is not easy, and I think it will never be. Despite all the realization that I had; I still think that I am bound to fail. I know for a fact that I will have moments that I will feel lost and stuck. There will be times I will still question my own capability and I am so sure that I’ll have a lot of sleepless nights because I overthink. I still believe that there will be days that I will dwell on my past and the heartache it caused me. But that is life. It is an evolving process. It is a continuous cycle of chasing what will make me happy. Because not feeling all these negative emotions and not having bad or heartbreaking experiences will lead me to missing the opportunity of knowing what happiness really means.

I think I came too far from where I was. I grew and changed. But as I look back, with all the things that happened, when I think about it, I always come out differently and realize that I am much happier than I was. Not in an instant but at some point, I will realize that I am.

And so, I may be wrong, but the definition of happiness especially in every single situation depends on how I wanted it to be. What I chose it to be. It is possible that what will make me happy now will not be the same tomorrow. But I guess, it’s for me to find out if I am right. For now, as long as I keep on choosing to change, I know, I'll find my happiness.

 

Election Rant

I can't stress enough how frustrated I am sa result. Paano nangyari ang nangyari? Ano ang mali? Bakit? Kasi sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga macomprehend yung naging result. Anong klaseng track record meron siya bakit siya binoto ng ganun kadaming Filipino? Ano yung mga plano niya sa bansa para iboto siya ng mga tao? I spent the whole night and day wondering about it pero olats. Wala akong maisip. 

Mas nakakapagod lalo na kung nakaka receive ka ng message na mang aasar lang dahil natalo yung kandidato na pinili kong suportahan na akala mo nag sabong lang o nanood ng basketball game sa Araneta. Pero totoo bang natalo ako, kami? O natalo tayong lahat? Itataya ko na it's the latter. Hindi ako o kaming bumoto kay VP Leni lang ang natalo. Dahil sa tingin ko, sa paniniwala ko, talo tayong lahat. Ang tanong, gaano kabigat ang pag katalo nating lahat sa laban na to? Yun ang hindi ko alam. Ang mga susunod na taon lang ang makakapag sabi. And I'll wait and watch the future unfold. 

Alam kong hindi dapat. Kasi dapat pinipili natin na dapat may gawin di ba? Because, us, Filipino deserves better. But we do what we can do to pick up ourselves up. Hindi kailangang huminto ang mundo. It hurts, yes. It's heartbreaking, yes. But we need to keep moving forward. Pero hindi ibig sabihin ipipikit ko yung mga mata ko at hindi titindig kung kinakailangan. I will if I have to. Pero selfish mang pakinggan, pero sa ngayon, kailangan kong piliin ang sarili ko. Nag kakaroon na ako ng anxiety dahil dito sa eleksyon na to at hindi siya maganda para sa akin - sa mental state ko. I fought so hard to be where I am and I can't go back to where I was. 

Naririnig ko nanaman yung nagsasabi na dapat hindi ako dapat maapektuhan kasi election lang to. Na hindi nga ako kilala nung mga kandidatong pinili ko. But I am affected because I know that it's something bigger than me that is at stake. Isa pa, it's my own feelings we are talking about. Who are they try to invalidate my feelings? 

Siguro sa huli, gusto ko lang sabihin na proud ako sa binoto ko at sa binoto ng pamilya ko - ng nanay at ng mga kapatid ko. Ginawa namin ang obligasyon naming bumoto. Pinili namin si VP Leni kasi alam naming siya yung kailangan natin, siya ang kailangan ng Pilipinas, but other Filipino said otherwise. At okay lang yun kasi may sarili at kanya kanyang tayong opinyon at ginawa lang nila yung sa tingin nilang mas deserving - unless otherwise bayad sila. 

But evertheless, sana, sana, I'm hoping and praying, na tama sila ng pinili. Tama ang pinili nila. Dahil in the end, we will reap the fruits of this election. Hindi lang ikaw o sila, kung hindi tayong lahat. 

So this is it. This is, hopefully, my last rant about this election.