An Angel

 You are an angel

I can't stop from falling

Your eyes keep me dreaming

That we'll last for an eternity

And so, I hope time stops on doubting

That you and I are not destined

Coz if she thinks that this is crazy

I'll go against reality

Coz I want you so badly

To be part of my long journey

Unrequited Love

Unrequited Love 

The Smile Fades, Our Friendship Dies

It Didn't Survive When Love Played Its Part

You Said It Was All My Fault

I Made You Fall with My Sweet and Caring Words

But It Wasn't Intention, Not at All

Coz Hurting You Will Never Be My Goal

But Life Put Us to The Point of No Return

And Now We Are Standing Face to Face,

But It Feels Like A Thousand Miles Away

I Want to Reach and Hold Your Hand

But Your Door Is Locked and Closed

Coz You Said I Broke Your Heart

And Being Friends Again Will Never Be an Option

Behind her Poem

I know someone who loves to write
She said she keeps her secret behind the lines
I try so hard and spend some time
To dig it up and find what she hides

But she's so deep, and I couldn't dive
She remained a mystery, A shadow behind the light

But I know behind her work of art
There is a story in every word that she writes
But she chooses not to voice it out
Because she wants to know, who can find her behind the dark

My Lonely Song

My Lonely Song

Capo II

                     G               D  

There’s no word can define

                  Em                C

To all the pain I try to hide

                      G               D

I’m dealing this every night

                      Em                C            

And no one tries to find this out

                   G                  D 

I couldn’t fight all the thoughts

                        Em                     C

That keeping me away from home

                     G                  D              

I’m dealing this on my own

               Em                   C

Can you save me? It’s getting worse

 G                      D

Will you be my saving light?

            Em                      C

In this world of gray and black

                G                    D  

Can you be my lucky guide?

              Em               C

So, my soul can be found

                G   D    

Who am I to you?

               Em                C

Do you see that I’m in blue?

                        G                           D 

With broken heart and broken dreams

               Em                      C

Missed the chance to be me

                G                           D          

Can you play my favorite line?

                             Em                    C

Or pray that for me to be just fine

                 G             D        

So, I can deal this tonight

                 Em                  C

And find my way back to life

                  G                   D 

I’ve been in this road for long

                  Em                C

I wanna break down the circle

        G                         D     

Coz lonely, can you save me?

              Em                C

No one wish to be alone

                     G                D 

There’s no words can define

                  Em                C

To all the pain I try to hide

                G                    D  

And it’s lonely, need some saving

         Em                  C

Coz I want to feel alive

                 G                   D  

Will you check from the start?

             Em                     C

Before my signs fade in time

               G                   D    

Coz it’s there, I just hide

                Em                  C

Can you pull me back to life?

                 G                       D             

Can you read between the lines?

                  Em             C

Coz from there you will find

             G                  D       

All the things I try hide

          Em                C

I just want to be found

G                       D

Will you be my saving light?

                G                    D  

Can you be my lucky guide?

        G                         D     

Coz lonely, can you save me?

          Em                C

I just want to be found

G

To all the people who stayed in my life, thank you.

To all the people who stayed in my life, thank you.

There were a lot of moments when I feel like my world is crumbling down. There were times when I feel like I no longer have the strength to fight and move forward. There were also some days when I doubted my own existence.

But even when I was at my lowest point, there are people who stayed with me and never left my side.

And so, to all the people who stayed when I feel like giving up, thank you. Thank you for being my strength to face my own demon. Thank you for being my extra pair of legs when I can’t even take a step to move forward. And for sharing your words of wisdom and motivation.

When I fall and couldn’t stand up, thank you for giving a hand to hold. Thank you for reminding me that it’s okay to feel tired and hurt. That I can take my time to heal the pain and for supporting me when I need to do some soul searching. Thank you for encouraging me to speak up when my heart is aching. And thank you for respecting the times when I just want to be with myself and be silent.

Big or small, thank you for patting my head whenever I accomplished something. That even when the rest of the world keeps telling me I couldn’t do it, you were there to cheer me up and believe that I can.

When my days are dark, gray and blue, thank you for being my sunshine. Thank you for showering your light into lonely nights. And thank you for sharing your smile and your never-ending positive vibes.

To all the people who love me beyond the person I pretend to be, thank you. Thank you for accepting my flaws, cracks, and insanity, for diving into the darkness just to see what’s behind my façade and for embracing the person that I become.

I am not perfect and will never be but thank you for seeing the beauty in me and for accepting me despite the truth the lies behind the mask.

To all the people who stayed in my life when I wasn’t at my best, thank you. Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t even love myself. And thank you for not giving up on me and because of that, I wish not to give up on myself too.

Old Friend

I don't know what made me write a song, but this song ay tungkol sa kaibigan niyang nailove sa kanya.

I was asked before, what will I do if ever, maiilove sa akin ang friend ko. 

I answered it by saying it really depend on the situation, If you are in love with your friend too, edi maganda happy lang. Pero pag hindi, kailangan mong tanggapin that there is 'possibility' na merong mag bago sa friendship ninyo. but lucky you, if wala.

Anyway, I know my voice is not ssoooooooooooo goooooooddd... but the lyrics means so much to me.  hahahaha.. anyhow, this is my blog so no choice kayo. :)

Hey old friend, do you hear me?

Hey old friend, do you miss?

It’s been awhile since you walked away

And you told me, you don’t need me

Coz you’re breaking, it’s my doing

And I’m sorry

Hey old friend, can you listen?

Hey old friend, meet me half way.

I didn’t mean to hurt you,

I never wish you breaking

All the signals that you’re saying,

I never send those things to you

 Hey old friend, if you’re hurting

And you need time for searching

I’ll let you go, watch you grow

Heal you heart, it’s way to go

But if you need me and you want me

I’ll be there

But it’s a wishful thinking

That you’re coming back

Now, you learned to be happy

Without me, beside you,

We’re breaking, Its hurting

But I’ll be fine

Hey old friend, do you hear me?

Hey old friend, just be happy

I’ll be fine

After His Lost

I felt like the world stops the moment my brother uttered the words, "Wala na si Daddy." It was clear, I heard him, but I couldn't believe him. And so, I asked him twice. Hoping and praying that his just playing on me and it is just a cruel joke. But for the second time, he said the same exact words. I took a deep breath to control the emotions that started to build up inside of me, but it is too much to bare. The pain is too much to handle. It felt like there is something inside of me that wanted to explode. I couldn't name the emotions that crumbling and hitting my whole existence. It felt like I was dropped from the world's highest building and I fell from a deep unbearable chaos. And the only thing that can explain the pain that I felt are the tears that I didn't notice that rushing down on my cheeks.

I couldn't believe it, he was gone.

I lost my father.

I honestly feel guilty. I could have saved him. I had a chance, but I was too focus and busy trying to figure out my life. I am too busy trying to find myself. I was too eager to save my sanity and fight against my anxiety. To put myself back and my life back together. To fill the emptiness inside of me. I was too anxious to save myself from my own destruction. And so, I made a choice to choose myself.

It was supposed to be my saving grace, it supposed to help me find a light that can brighten up my dark world, it supposed to help me find a missing piece of my life, but unfortunately, the light I hope to find turns to be another darkness, the missing piece I long to find turns out to be another puzzle of misery.

The choice I made hunts me and it pushes me deeper in the dimness.

I can't help not to blame myself. Maybe, if only I made a different choice. Maybe, if only I didn't choose myself first, he could have been still with us.

Long before I've already figured out that as we grow up, our parents will grow old. I am aware of what might happen in the future. Of course, nothing last forever in this world. We are all going to die. But what my mind failed to realize the things that might happen in between. I failed to realize that sometimes future belongs to what we call now. That sometimes tomorrow will not exist to someone. That sometimes tomorrow is not for everyone.

If only I knew things will end to soon, I could have done something. I would have done the right things. But I am too late, my realizations are already too late and there is nothing I can do to change what happened.

His passing left a void in my life. The pain I'm feeling plays like a perfect best friend who hugs me too tight and promise never to leave.

I am deeply hurt but I pretend that I am perfectly coping up with his loss. I am broken but I keep on trying to keep up with the expectation of other people that I can hold myself and my family together. I am so lost, but I showed them that I can function like a normal human being despite everything that is happening.

During the first few days of his wake, I always been reminded about my position in the family. 'Mag pakatatag ka kasi ikaw ang panganay' that's what I often hear from other people. It should be sympathizing and comforting, but it doesn't feel comforting nor sympathizing as it should be. Those words just added a burden to my shoulder. It just added pain to my already aching heart. Those words feel like asking me to put up a mask, to put up a wall for me to look like a strong individual that can carry out everything. They expected me to be strong despite what is happening.

But little do they know I am too tired of being strong. I wanted to breakdown, put my guard down and show them the other side of me. I wanted to show my weakness. I wanted to show that I am hurting for once because that is exactly what I am feeling. I just lost my father. I deserve to mourn regardless if I am the first born, but I ended up keeping up with people's expectation. I ended up pretending to be strong because I am the first born of the family.

I don't know if people have a slightest clue on what I am feeling. I am not exactly sure if they have a slightest idea on how everything is affecting me. How his memories ignite the emotions that I am trying to push at the back of my mind. If they know that there are nights I suppress the tears that want to unleash. The days I feel so alone despite I am being surrounded by sea of people. If they know that I am fighting against the demon that lies within of me.

My relationship with my father is not as ideal as others, but despite not having that ideal relationship losing the person who had brought me into this world is not easy. Losing him so sudden is devastating. My father is too young to die. He is just 54 years old. I have so many plans with him. I have pictured him holding hands with my mother with white hair and wrinkle on their face. I wasn't ready to see him lifeless and breathless, but I have no choice; I have no choice but to accept it, to stand up, live my life and move forward.

I don't know what lies ahead of me, but if there are few things that I am sure of, everything that happened changed my whole being. It changes the whole me. It changes my whole view and perspective about everything; about life.

If there are lessons I learned about what happened is the fact that it is not just the loss that will hurt, break and destroy us, but also the feeling of regret, guilt and what ifs can cut more deeper in our heart. I learned that we should never wait for tomorrow. That we should always choose now. Lastly and most importantly, love your parents, family member or love one when they are still with you, when they are still around because when you lose them all you can do is to just miss them.

It has been an emotion roller coaster. Right now, I am on the process of healing. I know it will never be easy, but I am hoping that one day I'll be healed. That one day, I can look at his picture and will not cry. I am hoping that one day his memories will bring joy and happiness instead of grief. I know it will be a long road ahead, but I will look forward to those days. I will look forward to the days when I am at peace with myself because I am already forgiven. I will look forward to the day that I am stronger, braver, kinder and smarter facing life ahead of me.