One Sad Journal

There's no easy way of letting go of the things that we love and the things that we learn to love. its hard when the time comes that we need to let it go no matter how much we treasure it. But no matter how much we try to let it go, Memories exists and we cannot run from the shadow of it. And damn those memories. I irritably ask myself "Why memories do exists?” And this kind of question I ask over and over coz it hurts me continuously. I know I should stop dealing with the past. Stop looking for what I’ve lost. Coz it will never ever happen again no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I love it.
But the pain kills me. The pain makes me crazy. Im trying my very best to face the world around me. Have a smile to cover up the pain I feel. For them to know am strong enough to let go. But deep inside me, Im not.
There's nothing permanent in this world. I know. And I know before, that time will come that we will walk separate way. And the time we spend together would come to an end. And that time is now. It’s time for me to let them go. To give them up. But still I can't, not for now.
I cry for the memories, I cry for the pain, I cry for the times that we spend together, the time that I had them. I know they are not mine to be kept. I know they need to grow and discover the world on their own. And I should not be selfish to hold them so much. But holding them keeps me going, makes me alive.
I hope they see the pain, the worries, the heartache, the tears in my eye just to let them know how much I love them and how much I want them being at my side. But I don't want to let them see it. I don’t want to show it. I just want to keep it. Putting some mask in my face is better that explaining everything. The tears are the only explanation of what my heart cannot say. For any feelings that I have they are not the one to be blame coz there's nothing to do with them. It’s about me.
It’s been a year now. But I don't know why do I still feel this why. Carrying all the burden, alone. I still fixing my broken heart and broken soul. I still pick up the pieces of myself. But I wish I can end all of this misery to find myself again, to be myself again. But not for now I guess, maybe some other time. Coz at this very moment my heart still aches in sadness. I still feel the pain.
Maybe one day, I can say I FINNALY OVER THEM and I FINNALY MOVE ON. Maybe somewhere my journey I can look back not missing them. I can look back without pain. And I know I can do it. I know I can.