Perfectly Projected

I always want to play the role of a strong individual person. I always want to be the tough and rough one. I always want to be the person who can do everything with perfection.  That Failure and rejection are the least thing that I can accommodate. 

I always choose to be on the go. I always want to be the person that people can count on. I want to be the person that can wipe their tears away. I always want to be their shoulder to cry on. I always want to be the person who help.

But what if, i am no longer strong? What if i became weak? what if, i am no longer be the kind of person they think i am?  What if, i can no longer help? 

Will there still be someone who will choose to be with me?

People only see want I want them to see. I put a thick line between what I want them to know and what i truly know. I created a perfect image of myself. Strong, achiever, confident and intimidating persona. They only see the mask of perfection i always put on. But behind those mask, lie a different story. The truth, genuine and the different me.

I hide all the miseries and failures. I healed my own pain, guarded my own heart, laughing out my sadness and fears. Crying out alone because of my broken dreams. I fully understood, that no one will understand because this world are full of hypocrite, self-centered and judgmental. So i choose to pretend and hide my true self.

I hide the moments i feel so lost and I need someone to show me the way. The moments I cry and i need someone to wipe those tears away. When Im hurt and i need someone to help me heal the pain. When Im confuse and i need someone to help me figure things out. when My mind is clouded by doubt and uncertainties and i need someone to hold the torch of light so i can keep on going. 

But what if I can no longer hide the truth? What if i get too tired of pretending? What if i start saying no? What if i start saying I can't ?  What if I can no longer be the person that they used to know? What if I will completely open myself to them? What if they find out how broken I am inside?  What if i start choosing myself first before them? 

Will there be someone who will accept me? Will there be someone who will stay with me? Or will I be let go because i can no longer play the heroine who can do everything?

Those questions hunt me like a prey. Those what ifs are like guns ready to kill. But I choose to push those questions at the back of my head and keep it to the darkest part of my being. Because i don't have the courage to reveal what is behind my facade. I do not have the guts to answers their whys. I cannot face rejection from other people. I am terrified to hear their answers.

So I put everything behind my perfected projection. I conceal my true self at the shadow of my perfect image. But i cannot hide the truth from myself, I cannot hide what i truly feel, I cannot escape from what i really need and i cant hide who truly i am.