Be myself Again

I feel so lost.

I don’t when this all begun - just feel like nothing is making sense at all. The feeling of fears, frustration, and anxiety are all blending in one. I don’t know why and I can’t even explain why. One day, I wake up in the morning I just suddenly feel tired and drain.

I used to know everything. I used to have all an explanation in everything that I do and feel. I used to acknowledge all the feelings that I have within myself. I am so sure about myself. But suddenly I feel like my world is falling in a deep chaos and I don’t know what to do. I am no longer sure of anything anymore.

I lost the confidence I filled myself. I used to believe that I can achieve anything and everything. I used to think that I can walk straight to the top. That no one can ever stop me achieving what I want in life. But I don’t know what happened. I lost it all. I lost myself.

Now, I don’t know where to go. I don’t know which path I need to take. I’m losing my way and  I hopelessly hoping to find my way back.

To find myself and be myself again. 

Midnight thought

At 12 midnight while eating my sandwich bigla akong napatingin sa wall and it has a remnant of our old house. I smile and close my eyes while trying to remember how our house look like. I remember kung gaano kaingay at kagulo ang bahay. I tried to remember kung ano yung itsura ng bahay nung bata pa ako.  Luckily, there is a picture that flash in my mind.  Nakakatawa, kasi feeling ko noon sobrang laki ng bahay.  Natatandaan ko pa kung gaano ka laki ang kitchen noon.  I remember the old sala na kahoy pa ang sahig.  Well,  kahoy naman talaga ang sahig noon.  Yung magagalit sila mommy kasi nag tatakbuhan kami at maingay sa bababa.  Then,  nirenovate yung bahay nag karoon ng 3rd floor at inayos ang kwarto. Nakakatawa na parang hotel room ang bahay sa dami ng pinto. I remember how this house used to be home for me. But as years past, things changed.  The house was renovated again but my home did not survive. Unti unting naging tahimik ang maingay at magulong bahay. The warm feeling i used to felt in this house became cold. People started to leave and change. People start to make their own choice. This place starting send a foreign feeling i couldn't explain.  But there is one thing for sure this place is no longer the same.  It never feel the same. 

I look around me and sadly smile. My home turns to be house. Its empty, cold and lonely and i have nothing to do but to accept the tragedy that this is no longer my home.

Dear Me

Dear Me,

You will go through some times when you want to give up. You’ll get tired being optimistic and you will wonder how it feels like to be pessimist. There will be time when you will start questioning things. You will get frustrated because you can’t find answers to your questions. There will be moments when you will feel drain from all your responsibilities.  You will get exhausted standing on your ground and prove your critics and naysayers wrong. There will be time when you will lose some of your friends because of your decisions and beliefs. You will go through dark times and you will find yourself wiping all night. 

But it will all pass. Everything will eventually be okay. Do not lose hope. Be strong. Just keep going no matter what will happen. You will eventually see light at the end the darkness. Just keep walking.

Along the way you will find answers to your questions. One day, you will find reason why things happened. Listen to all the things they say but do not let it affect you. Do not let it break you because you are wonderful person. Be the change but do not let the world change you to be someone you are not. Be proud and remember that there are people who love you unconditionally without doubts and second thoughts.

Someday, you will understand but not now not today. So be happy, because you deserve to be. You are worth all the happiness in this world.