After His Lost

I felt like the world stops the moment my brother uttered the words, "Wala na si Daddy." It was clear, I heard him, but I couldn't believe him. And so, I asked him twice. Hoping and praying that his just playing on me and it is just a cruel joke. But for the second time, he said the same exact words. I took a deep breath to control the emotions that started to build up inside of me, but it is too much to bare. The pain is too much to handle. It felt like there is something inside of me that wanted to explode. I couldn't name the emotions that crumbling and hitting my whole existence. It felt like I was dropped from the world's highest building and I fell from a deep unbearable chaos. And the only thing that can explain the pain that I felt are the tears that I didn't notice that rushing down on my cheeks.

I couldn't believe it, he was gone.

I lost my father.

I honestly feel guilty. I could have saved him. I had a chance, but I was too focus and busy trying to figure out my life. I am too busy trying to find myself. I was too eager to save my sanity and fight against my anxiety. To put myself back and my life back together. To fill the emptiness inside of me. I was too anxious to save myself from my own destruction. And so, I made a choice to choose myself.

It was supposed to be my saving grace, it supposed to help me find a light that can brighten up my dark world, it supposed to help me find a missing piece of my life, but unfortunately, the light I hope to find turns to be another darkness, the missing piece I long to find turns out to be another puzzle of misery.

The choice I made hunts me and it pushes me deeper in the dimness.

I can't help not to blame myself. Maybe, if only I made a different choice. Maybe, if only I didn't choose myself first, he could have been still with us.

Long before I've already figured out that as we grow up, our parents will grow old. I am aware of what might happen in the future. Of course, nothing last forever in this world. We are all going to die. But what my mind failed to realize the things that might happen in between. I failed to realize that sometimes future belongs to what we call now. That sometimes tomorrow will not exist to someone. That sometimes tomorrow is not for everyone.

If only I knew things will end to soon, I could have done something. I would have done the right things. But I am too late, my realizations are already too late and there is nothing I can do to change what happened.

His passing left a void in my life. The pain I'm feeling plays like a perfect best friend who hugs me too tight and promise never to leave.

I am deeply hurt but I pretend that I am perfectly coping up with his loss. I am broken but I keep on trying to keep up with the expectation of other people that I can hold myself and my family together. I am so lost, but I showed them that I can function like a normal human being despite everything that is happening.

During the first few days of his wake, I always been reminded about my position in the family. 'Mag pakatatag ka kasi ikaw ang panganay' that's what I often hear from other people. It should be sympathizing and comforting, but it doesn't feel comforting nor sympathizing as it should be. Those words just added a burden to my shoulder. It just added pain to my already aching heart. Those words feel like asking me to put up a mask, to put up a wall for me to look like a strong individual that can carry out everything. They expected me to be strong despite what is happening.

But little do they know I am too tired of being strong. I wanted to breakdown, put my guard down and show them the other side of me. I wanted to show my weakness. I wanted to show that I am hurting for once because that is exactly what I am feeling. I just lost my father. I deserve to mourn regardless if I am the first born, but I ended up keeping up with people's expectation. I ended up pretending to be strong because I am the first born of the family.

I don't know if people have a slightest clue on what I am feeling. I am not exactly sure if they have a slightest idea on how everything is affecting me. How his memories ignite the emotions that I am trying to push at the back of my mind. If they know that there are nights I suppress the tears that want to unleash. The days I feel so alone despite I am being surrounded by sea of people. If they know that I am fighting against the demon that lies within of me.

My relationship with my father is not as ideal as others, but despite not having that ideal relationship losing the person who had brought me into this world is not easy. Losing him so sudden is devastating. My father is too young to die. He is just 54 years old. I have so many plans with him. I have pictured him holding hands with my mother with white hair and wrinkle on their face. I wasn't ready to see him lifeless and breathless, but I have no choice; I have no choice but to accept it, to stand up, live my life and move forward.

I don't know what lies ahead of me, but if there are few things that I am sure of, everything that happened changed my whole being. It changes the whole me. It changes my whole view and perspective about everything; about life.

If there are lessons I learned about what happened is the fact that it is not just the loss that will hurt, break and destroy us, but also the feeling of regret, guilt and what ifs can cut more deeper in our heart. I learned that we should never wait for tomorrow. That we should always choose now. Lastly and most importantly, love your parents, family member or love one when they are still with you, when they are still around because when you lose them all you can do is to just miss them.

It has been an emotion roller coaster. Right now, I am on the process of healing. I know it will never be easy, but I am hoping that one day I'll be healed. That one day, I can look at his picture and will not cry. I am hoping that one day his memories will bring joy and happiness instead of grief. I know it will be a long road ahead, but I will look forward to those days. I will look forward to the days when I am at peace with myself because I am already forgiven. I will look forward to the day that I am stronger, braver, kinder and smarter facing life ahead of me.

Pretending to be okay

I am lost. I am uncertain to what I want in life. I am unaware of the changes around me that made me unfamiliar with my own self.

I feel like I’m in a hole of darkness, blinded and nowhere to go.

I am on my breaking point, but no one knows except me. No one knows that I am being tortured by my own demons. Killing all my dreams, passion, confidence and hope I built for years.

I don't know what happened. I don’t know how I came to this point. Things used to be bearable, but when anxiety reached its peak, it brought me to a different level pain. I was consumed by it. I struggled to keep it up every day. But I keep telling myself, this will pass, and tomorrow will be another day and it will be okay. I will okay after this.

But no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, things are not going the way I wanted it to.

I am falling and breaking every day, yet, I smile like nothing is happening inside my head. I wake up each day and smile to the crowd, like I am not enduring so much pain inside of me. That I got everything in my life together. That I am strong. That I have a rock-solid heart and I-can-do attitude, that I am unbreakable.

But the truth is, I am not. The truth is, I am silently suffering.

I wish I can break my wall and put my guard down to show the world the truth behind my façade. I wish I could cry out loud the pain I have inside. I wish I could reveal my vulnerability. I wish I could show my insecurities and fears. I wish someone will come and save me from this mess that I am into. But I know, no one will be there. No hero will come and save me from this war that is happening inside me.

No one will be there because people are too used to see me happy and they expect me to always be. They will just shrug it off if I give hint of my brokenness. They always expect I will survived without any help.

And so, with all the pain and hurt inside my heart, with all the confusion and anxiety, and with all the screaming inside my head, I will continuously pretend that everything is alright and will keep moving forward with a happy mask

I will endure the pain alone because no one will save me from this misery but my own.

Araneta Hymn

Araneta Hymn

Araneta University
Though art the pride of all Malay
We thy sons and daughters be
Always ready all to say
Lead us all to bright prosperity
And we'll follow thee all the way
Bringing all thy wisdom and thy glory
Wherever we shall be

Chorus:

Forward all! Forward all!
We march toward the goal
Lead us all! Lead us all!
To gain the best of all
ARANETA! ARANETA!

https://youtu.be/lJ3Ca6Uti2A

Don Salvador Araneta Quotable Quotes

Quotable Quotes from one of the founder of my Alma Mater, Don Salvador Araneta. From the book Glimpses on the life, philosophy, and advocacies of Dr. Salvador Z. Araneta by Dr. Josefina Callangan, Abraham Blancaflor, and Dr. Ma. Corazon V. Tadena. Published by De La Salle Araneta University. 

• If you have to make decision, act on it quickly.
• To reach the promised land of plenty, we must realize that we have to cross the desert of austerity.
• I believe in God, in love of our country and people, in the independence of Church and State, but not in the independence of State from God.
• If you wish to succeed in life, continue to grow spiritually, intellectually, and socially.
• Please remember that man never remains the same. He either moves forward or falls background.
• Stick to integrity and remain righteous.
• Success without integrity is hallow and empty.
• If you want an answer for the world, the best place to start is with yourself.
•  Indeed, you may have many things to give – your time, your expertise, your service – you have your whole self to give. The sooner you start giving yourself, the sooner you will receive in return.
• Always keep your vision and ambition high, and your feet down to the earth, and you will be a worthy son of your Alma Mater.
• It’s better not to accept any medicine, than to take a bad one.
• In the formative years, you have a real good chance to mold the character of a person. Try to teach them unselfishness and love of country.
• Job giver, not a job seeker.
• Never quarrel with a woman for you will go nowhere.
• You just see the forest but not the trees.
• I give to you this University. Love it deeply and nature it well for the young generation.
• Do your job to the best you can, and do not worry about anything else.
• What matters, for man to have reached the moon, if in the process he has lost his soul.
• GAUF is yours to build or to destroy.
• St. La Salle is my favorite Saint, and I admire his tenets about the youth and about education.  

Kaya Hindi Naging Tayo

Kaya siguro hindi naging tayo

Dahil mundo natin ay nag krus sa maling pagkakataon
Kung saan ikaw at ako lang ang meron
At walang magiging tayo

Kaya siguro hindi naging tayo
Dahil hindi ako ang mag papasaya sayo
Dito sa mapait at magulong mundo
Hindi ako ang napili para sayo

Kaya siguro hindi naging tayo
Dahil hindi ako ang tamang tao
Na hahawak sa mga kamay mo
Sa bawat araw ng buhay mo

Kaya siguro hindi naging tayo
Dahil maling yugto tayo nag tagpo
Sa panahong hindi sapat na mahal kita
At panalangin't pangarap ko

Kaya siguro hindi naging tayo
Dahil hindi ako ang nakalaan para sayo
Na sa istoryang isinulat para sayo
Hindi ang pangalan ko ang nasa dulo nito

Pinilit kong labanan ang ikot ng mundo
Para lang maging karapatdapat sayo
Ngunit tadhana ay di ata ako gusto
Kaya siguro hindi naging tayo

How Are You?

It's been a while since the last time I saw your smile
Hear the voice that used to be my lullaby
Though it's not right, I want to know how you are
After you let me go and say your final goodbye.

I wanted to know if you had a wonderful life
If the one you've chosen give you the love you deserve to have
If that person never leave your side and make you smile
I just wanted to know if what I did was right.

After all these years, did I ever cross your mind?
Did you miss our long conversation at night?
Do you smile when you remember that time?
Or you forget about me and the days that we had

Apologies if I ask for your state of heart
I just wanted to know how is your life
If I should regret that I didn't give a fight
Or the brokenness I've been through is worth your smile

Things you can learn as a Student-Leader

Being a student-leader will absolutely give you a hard time. There are a lot of things that you need to sacrifice, a lot of efforts to make and a lot of time to give. Minsan dadating ka sa point at tatanungin mo ang sarili mo, bakit kumuha ka ng batong ipupukpok mo sa ulo mo? But trust me when I say that it is one of the most fulfilling roles in school that you may ever experience.  It is something that you will be thankful for once you step out the school.

Below are the lists of things that “I think” you may learn from being a student leader: 

1. Professionalism

When you are in a school organization you cannot avoid conflicts because every individual have different point of views and beliefs. Being a student-leader is a great flat form to learn how you can set aside your emotions and ego while working with the person you’re in conflict with. Kahit na asar na asar ka pa sa kanya at gusto mo na siyang sipain palabas ng office ninyo or ihagis mula sa pinaka mataas na building, being a student-leader, you let it subside and focus on the things that is much more important than your emotions and ego. Being professional really matters when you are in a student-organization while working hand in hand with someone to achieve a common goal and that is to serve the studentry.

2. Time Management

“Busy ako.” I think gasgas na gasgas na ata yung linyang yan sa tuwing inaaya ako ng mga kaibigan ko para gumala. And that is the sad part of being a student-leader dahil madalas kalaban mo ang oras.

If you are a student-leader, there will be a lot of moments when you will have tons of tons of tons of loads in school and piles of things to do in your organization and surely 100% it will exhaust you. Deadlines over deadlines over deadlines will surely make your brain jump out of your brain. Hindi sa nagiging OA ako pero it’s true. Sa sobrang dami ng ginagaw mo, dadating ka sa point wherein you will ask yourself a lot of whys and hows. You will even wish na sana hindi lang 24 hours ang meron sa isang araw sa dami ng ginagawa mo.

But as student-leader dapat alam mo kung paano imamanage ang oras mo. Proper time management is something that a student-leader must know by heart because it can help you figure out what comes first.

BUT as a student leader, you should not forget that that you are a STUDENT-Leader. And so, before you play the role of a leader you must perfectly played the role of a student. Serving the whole studentry is a good thing but you have to be reminded the real reason why you are in school. And so, prioritizing your academics before duties as an officer in an organization is a must.  It may seem to be impossible to balance everything but you’ll get used to it.

3. Dedication

Kung akala ng iba madali ang buhay ng isang student-leader, pwes, nag kakamali kayo. As a student-leader, things are not being handed in a silver platter dahil lahat ng bagay pinag hihirapan. There times that you will have sleepless night dahil nag iisip ka ng kung ano ang dapat mong gawin para sa mga kapwa estudyante mo. There will also be a lot of times that you may give up your free time, lunch time and weekends just to fulfill your duties and responsibilities as an officer. Honestly, this may be one of the saddest realities in the life of a student leader because you will surely lose your time for yourself and friends. But that is the life of an officer and you really have no choice because as a student-leader. It will not just require you to be responsible but also to be dedicated. But when you accomplish all the things on your hand and you see your fellow student benefit sa mga bagay na ginawa mo for sure you will feel contentment. Yung pakiramdam na nanalo ka sa isang championship game.

4. Patience

Things will never come easy. There will be moments where you need wait, wait, and wait. There are times when you will to go through the talks with the same topics over and over that can even drive you crazy.

Being a student-leader will surely test your patience.  

5. Composure and Confidence

A student-leader never loses its composure especially during heated argument and even during times when they figuratively throwing daggers on you. Putting a façade of confidence and composure is something that a student-leader must always do because you’re representing not just yourself but you are representing the whole studentry. Hindi dahil sa mayabang ka but you need to be able to stand on your ground so you can prove your point. Being a student-leader, you will always be caught up in a situation wherein people will try to persuade you to a certain decision.  But a student-leader you have to know between doing what is right and the right thing.  

6. Stepping beyond your limits

There will be times when you will hit the ground and don’t know what to do next. There times when people point out your faults without even knowing the reason behind it. There are times when people expect you to be perfect and do everything right even though just a student and most especially a human being. There are times when people think you are superwoman and expect you do even the impossible things. And because of that, you will start to feel like you wanted to drop everything thing and leave. But being a student-leader, it should never be your mind set and giving up should never an option because you are a student-leader.

When things start to get tough and rough, you need to find ways to get free from the things that making it hard. As a student-leader, you can’t just settle for anything less. You can’t just live inside your comfort zone and let the universe to do its thing. You should always have control in everything that is happening to you and around you. Everything must flow according to how you want it to be. As a student-leader you should see things differently, be resilient enough to face failure, accept your limitation and faults, and think beyond what your mind can even imagine. You should know when to step on the gas and be the person that people will look up to because that is how you are made.

It is not really an easy feat to be a student-leader. Stepping beyond the line of being a student to be leader can be hard, emotionally draining and mind blowing. You will reach to a point wherein you will crawl and cry but you have to remind yourself that you are not perfect, you cannot do everything, and you will fail and makes mistake because you are just a student, a normal teenage girl or boy. But what makes you amazing and different is that you are that ‘someone’ who wanted to make a difference. You are that someone who took the courage to stand up and lead.  And you are that ‘someone’ who has tenacity and resiliency to face all the responsibility.  

Well, these are only the few things you can learn when you chose to me a true student-leader. Along the way, there are a lot more things that you can learn about yourself and about life. And believe me, those learning are something that you can carry with you as a weapon once you step out the school ground and enter the concrete jungle of corporate world.

For you

When my world turns dark

When my poem loses its rhyme

When I can no longer sing so loud

Will you be there to hold my hand?

When my world is falling apart

When I’m fighting a difficult fight

And when I’m hurting deep inside

Will you be there to stand by my side?

When I put a smile instead of frown

When I want to cry, but cover it with my laugh

And when I put all the emotions behind my mask

Will you be there to see and break my façade?

Will you be there when things are no longer right?

When the world starts to judge and take away my light

Will you be there to show me some love?

Just like how moon light up my lonely night