Pretending to be okay

I am lost. I am uncertain to what I want in life. I am unaware of the changes around me that made me unfamiliar with my own self.

I feel like I’m in a hole of darkness, blinded and nowhere to go.

I am on my breaking point, but no one knows except me. No one knows that I am being tortured by my own demons. Killing all my dreams, passion, confidence and hope I built for years.

I don't know what happened. I don’t know how I came to this point. Things used to be bearable, but when anxiety reached its peak, it brought me to a different level pain. I was consumed by it. I struggled to keep it up every day. But I keep telling myself, this will pass, and tomorrow will be another day and it will be okay. I will okay after this.

But no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, things are not going the way I wanted it to.

I am falling and breaking every day, yet, I smile like nothing is happening inside my head. I wake up each day and smile to the crowd, like I am not enduring so much pain inside of me. That I got everything in my life together. That I am strong. That I have a rock-solid heart and I-can-do attitude, that I am unbreakable.

But the truth is, I am not. The truth is, I am silently suffering.

I wish I can break my wall and put my guard down to show the world the truth behind my façade. I wish I could cry out loud the pain I have inside. I wish I could reveal my vulnerability. I wish I could show my insecurities and fears. I wish someone will come and save me from this mess that I am into. But I know, no one will be there. No hero will come and save me from this war that is happening inside me.

No one will be there because people are too used to see me happy and they expect me to always be. They will just shrug it off if I give hint of my brokenness. They always expect I will survived without any help.

And so, with all the pain and hurt inside my heart, with all the confusion and anxiety, and with all the screaming inside my head, I will continuously pretend that everything is alright and will keep moving forward with a happy mask

I will endure the pain alone because no one will save me from this misery but my own.