I felt like the world stops the moment my brother uttered the words, "Wala na si Daddy." It was clear, I heard him, but I couldn't believe him. And so, I asked him twice. Hoping and praying that his just playing on me and it is just a cruel joke. But for the second time, he said the same exact words. I took a deep breath to control the emotions that started to build up inside of me, but it is too much to bare. The pain is too much to handle. It felt like there is something inside of me that wanted to explode. I couldn't name the emotions that crumbling and hitting my whole existence. It felt like I was dropped from the world's highest building and I fell from a deep unbearable chaos. And the only thing that can explain the pain that I felt are the tears that I didn't notice that rushing down on my cheeks.
I couldn't believe it, he was gone.
I lost my father.
I honestly feel guilty. I could have saved him. I had a chance, but I was too focus and busy trying to figure out my life. I am too busy trying to find myself. I was too eager to save my sanity and fight against my anxiety. To put myself back and my life back together. To fill the emptiness inside of me. I was too anxious to save myself from my own destruction. And so, I made a choice to choose myself.
It was supposed to be my saving grace, it supposed to help me find a light that can brighten up my dark world, it supposed to help me find a missing piece of my life, but unfortunately, the light I hope to find turns to be another darkness, the missing piece I long to find turns out to be another puzzle of misery.
The choice I made hunts me and it pushes me deeper in the dimness.
I can't help not to blame myself. Maybe, if only I made a different choice. Maybe, if only I didn't choose myself first, he could have been still with us.
Long before I've already figured out that as we grow up, our parents will grow old. I am aware of what might happen in the future. Of course, nothing last forever in this world. We are all going to die. But what my mind failed to realize the things that might happen in between. I failed to realize that sometimes future belongs to what we call now. That sometimes tomorrow will not exist to someone. That sometimes tomorrow is not for everyone.
If only I knew things will end to soon, I could have done something. I would have done the right things. But I am too late, my realizations are already too late and there is nothing I can do to change what happened.
His passing left a void in my life. The pain I'm feeling plays like a perfect best friend who hugs me too tight and promise never to leave.
I am deeply hurt but I pretend that I am perfectly coping up with his loss. I am broken but I keep on trying to keep up with the expectation of other people that I can hold myself and my family together. I am so lost, but I showed them that I can function like a normal human being despite everything that is happening.
During the first few days of his wake, I always been reminded about my position in the family. 'Mag pakatatag ka kasi ikaw ang panganay' that's what I often hear from other people. It should be sympathizing and comforting, but it doesn't feel comforting nor sympathizing as it should be. Those words just added a burden to my shoulder. It just added pain to my already aching heart. Those words feel like asking me to put up a mask, to put up a wall for me to look like a strong individual that can carry out everything. They expected me to be strong despite what is happening.
But little do they know I am too tired of being strong. I wanted to breakdown, put my guard down and show them the other side of me. I wanted to show my weakness. I wanted to show that I am hurting for once because that is exactly what I am feeling. I just lost my father. I deserve to mourn regardless if I am the first born, but I ended up keeping up with people's expectation. I ended up pretending to be strong because I am the first born of the family.
I don't know if people have a slightest clue on what I am feeling. I am not exactly sure if they have a slightest idea on how everything is affecting me. How his memories ignite the emotions that I am trying to push at the back of my mind. If they know that there are nights I suppress the tears that want to unleash. The days I feel so alone despite I am being surrounded by sea of people. If they know that I am fighting against the demon that lies within of me.
My relationship with my father is not as ideal as others, but despite not having that ideal relationship losing the person who had brought me into this world is not easy. Losing him so sudden is devastating. My father is too young to die. He is just 54 years old. I have so many plans with him. I have pictured him holding hands with my mother with white hair and wrinkle on their face. I wasn't ready to see him lifeless and breathless, but I have no choice; I have no choice but to accept it, to stand up, live my life and move forward.
I don't know what lies ahead of me, but if there are few things that I am sure of, everything that happened changed my whole being. It changes the whole me. It changes my whole view and perspective about everything; about life.
If there are lessons I learned about what happened is the fact that it is not just the loss that will hurt, break and destroy us, but also the feeling of regret, guilt and what ifs can cut more deeper in our heart. I learned that we should never wait for tomorrow. That we should always choose now. Lastly and most importantly, love your parents, family member or love one when they are still with you, when they are still around because when you lose them all you can do is to just miss them.
It has been an emotion roller coaster. Right now, I am on the process of healing. I know it will never be easy, but I am hoping that one day I'll be healed. That one day, I can look at his picture and will not cry. I am hoping that one day his memories will bring joy and happiness instead of grief. I know it will be a long road ahead, but I will look forward to those days. I will look forward to the days when I am at peace with myself because I am already forgiven. I will look forward to the day that I am stronger, braver, kinder and smarter facing life ahead of me.
