Lonely Nights

It's late and I'm tired,
But I'm excited tonight
Coz I know I'll hear your voice
And everything will be alright

So I said my hello
When you picked up the call
But you said you're sleepy
And you can't talk

Some days I let it go
Coz this thing isn't new
But tonight I had enough
I don't think I can let it go

Is it too much to ask
To have a little talk every night
To share my thoughts about life
And how my day went by

I guess for you, I am so much
For the right person, I think, I'm not.
Should I start searching for the one?
Or you'll pull a string to keep me in your arm?

Thoughts

There is beauty with every pain
Strength for every sorrow
Truth behind every lie
Love behind every heartache

Lost Light

I saw you walk away from the light
You closed your eyes from the suffering of this life
I was left broken, lost and blinded
On how it means to be alive

Mirror

Do not walk away from me my love
Rage against our ego and pride
Free ourselves from a historic fright
Go forth and conquer our dream life

Do not walk away from me my love
Step away from the shadow of thy past
Our innocent eyes deserve no frown
Be bold! And let's find our way back to light

Do not walk away from me my love
It will cost our peace and a million dime
Swim and dive into our deepest desire
Even if life turns like Wuthering Heights

Do not walk away from me my love
Let the chain of fear flow in the river of Nile
Liberate our heart to the weight of our mask
For us to finally embrace our dream solace

So, do not walk away from me my love
Let go of what-ifs and the judging mind
Be true to the tune of our beating heart
Hold on to me, do not let go I'm begging you, my love

Dear Self

Dear Self,

In the past years, I've silenced you. I shut all the emotions that could break the made up imaged that I created to the world. I made people believe that you are an independent, intelligent and strong woman who can handle everything. And I did everything that I could to keep it that way without even thinking about the consequences that it might destroy you in the end. And now, you are paying the price of my decision and I am so sorry.

I never wish to break your heart. I did everything that I did because that's what I thought was right. I thought the world doesn't need someone who has a soft heart. I thought that you should be mature and has all the answers that the world has thrown on you. But despite my good intention, I made things worse and broke your heart in the process.

And I'm sorry for all the things that you went through because of my decisions. I'm sorry for all the times I put others best interest first before you. I just did everything that I did because that's what I thought was right. I never wish to break your heart. And if only I could take away the pain, I will do it in a heartbeat. But I know things didn't work that way. I know the aftermath of these will take time to heal and fix.

But I hope one day you'll able to forgive me for all the mistakes and wrong decisions that I made. I hope one day, I'll find completely healed and happy. And I hope that day comes because you deserve to live a happy life.

My 2017 Thoughts

How often do we easily judge people? During our meeting last week, we were asked who could write an inspiring story and I volunteered myself even though I’m not sure if I could even write something inspiring. In the past days, I wasn't sure what to write. I thought, maybe I can write something about the inspiring leadership training I attended in the past. But yesterday, I realized that there is something much better than that.

I decided to write about myself.

To be honest, there is nothing inspiring about me. People see me as a perky and optimistic person. However, not all people like my own version of perkiness because I tend to become talkative. I know some won’t appreciate that but people who know me well will appreciate every single word I’ll say because not often I speak up and voice out my inner thoughts. I wasn’t really open to everyone.

In the past, I always played the role of a strong and independent person. At times, I even saw myself as a tough soccer player fiercely trying to reach the goal because I’ve worked hard for everything I’ve envisioned to be—to become a source of inspiration, motivation, and comfort to people especially during the times of hardship and troubles. I made sure that I could accomplish everything, without letting failure or rejection as an option.

 

But just like the old saying goes, “Even the best fall down sometimes.”

I was eaten by all the responsibilities I had on my shoulders. The stress and pressure from school, work, and personal issues consumed me every single day. It made to a point when I woke up, I felt like nothing made sense. I didn’t know why I suddenly felt tired and drained about almost everything. Fear, frustration, depression, and anxiety were all blending in my mind as I began falling and eventually failing physically, mentally and emotionally.

Every day, it felt like I lost myself and my identity. I got tongue-tied and bewildered whenever people would ask what was happening to me. Before, I used to have answers to every question on the spot, but at that point, I was no longer sure about everything. All I knew was my world was falling in deep chaos and unsure what to do.

I lost the confidence I built within myself. I no longer knew the path I needed to take. I was lost in an empty road alone, nowhere to go. I was so hopeless that I started to question everything about myself, about the people around and all the things that happened to me.

All those hardships, I kept it within myself. Behind those seemingly perfect and strong façade, I healed my own pain, patched my own scars, guarded my own heart, and laughing out my sadness and fears. No one knew the truth except me and the moments I cried out alone. I thought I could stand and face my own distress. But I was wrong; I couldn’t stand alone against my own. I knew I was facing my own destruction.

I remembered when I attended mass years ago, at the homily the priest said, “Every time you say, ‘Peace be with you’, make sure that you mean it because you might not know that the person next to you needs it.” When I heard those words years back, I understood what he meant. But I never expect that one day, I would be the person who needs it. 

I prayed for peace of mind.

I was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I relentlessly looked for answers within myself but I couldn’t find any. I wanted to be free from all the thoughts that consumed me.

I hit rock bottom as I slowly losing my grip to my sanity.

It was hard for me to share my thoughts with anyone because it’s not in my personality to be open about my emotions. For me, I always choose to be in control with my feelings and choose to handle it myself. It’s not that I don’t trust people, I just don’t want to be a burden for anyone and I was afraid to be judged.

I tried to live as normal as I could and kept up my façade even though I’m struggling deep down. But it came to a point where I felt tired of fighting against my own thoughts. I was so scared of those thoughts running through my mind so I chose to put an end to it.

I step out of my comfort zone. I was honestly scared but I still tried.

I vented out my thoughts to some of my colleagues and friends but they simply told me that I was only going through a phase and I can get through it. But then, deep inside, I knew their advice was no help for me. I got disappointed and so, I then decided to keep my mouth shut because at that moment I knew no one would understand. I began to realize that it’s hard when others used to see you as a cheerful one. Moreover, it’s hard when they are used to see you strong and capable of doing things because they know you can handle your problems alone when in fact, you’re in your most vulnerable.

 

I decided to quit my job and have a break from everything and everyone around me. At first, it was scary because I was afraid that I might regret my decision. To add more to my worries, there were people who questioned my decision to leave. But I guess, my resiliency and tenacity to find myself again were much more powerful and important than what other people think and will say. For me, I did the right thing.  I chose the right choice and I know it will be worth it.

In the past few months, I learned many things I failed to ponder on before. I was in the process of forgiving myself for all the things that I had done and had failed to do. I learned to make every day count and to cherish every moment. I learned to be more vocal about my emotions and thoughts. I learned to embrace my weaknesses and appreciate my strengths. I learned that by being broken we could rebuild ourselves to be the best version of ourselves.

It was undeniably a tough fight, but by continuously pushing yourself, standing up and believing that you deserve better than living a life full of negative thoughts are the most important steps to help yourself. I realized that there is no shame in admitting that you need help because it’s not all the time that we’re strong to face our problems alone.

There will be a lot of times when we will feel the heavy loads on our shoulders and there will be times that we will get hurt, frustrated and broken. But these things mold us to become a better version of ourselves. Facing these difficult times will lead us to the discovery of our inner power and strength, and the people who truly love us. We only have one shot to do whatever we want in this lifetime. The only one that stopping is from truly enjoying it is ourselves.

This isn’t a usual success story that talked about rags to riches. This isn’t a story that inspires those who wanted to become bosses or a story of winning the lottery. Nevertheless, this is a story that wishes to inspire and remind us to be more sensitive, caring and understanding that everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about, so never judge someone just because of what you see on the outside.

This is a story of choosing and discovering oneself. A story of failure but learning to stand up against adversity. A story of hope. A story of finding and embracing yourself. This is my own story. This is me finding my way back to life.

*This was written last 2017 however, this was based on what happened to me last 2016.  

Reminder

If you feel like giving up, please, pause for a while and think;

Remember the times when you passed an exam after you review all night,

Remember the times when you ace an interview and get hired,

Remember the times when people say that you can't make it, but you proved them otherwise,

Remember the times when you stand on what you believe in and turned out that you were right,

Remember the times when you make someone happy,

Remember the times when you make your parents proud,

Remember all the setbacks that you had overcome,

Remember all the battles that you fought and had won,

And remember all the experiences that mold you to get better.

Life will get rough and tough as we grow older, but you’ll surpass it just like you did in the past.

You just have to continue what you are doing.                                 

Believe in yourself. Be happy and proud of the person you become.

Embrace you flaws and faults. Love yourself better and remember it’s not selfish to do so.

Remember losing does mean you fail, but it just gives you another way to win.

Another reason to fought harder.

And so, if you feel like giving up, remember all those things.

And I know, you'll realize, d@ng! It's not time to give up! I can do this, just like I always do.