Comethru

"Soon" they said when I ask when will I found myself

But the more I stay the more the feeling complicates

Can I turn around and stop making amends?

Coz it would be nice to feel free and find some solace

I keep wondering what I missed in this uphill road

I guess, I should I have not listen to Robert Frost.

Coz right now I am missing some hopeful thoughts,

It's all because of the great yellow wood.

Now I don't know to whom I belong

Coz it seems to me there is no better choice

I keep hearing voices as I walk along

Wiping away the little voice that I call my own

In this frame of mind I don't want to go on

I want to spear away and heal invisible wounds

And even if loneliness appears in the nightfall

At least the choice that will be made is my own

So in "soon" I will no longer want to wait

Perfection, doubt and fear I will never chase

I'll succumb to the little child that lives within

I guess, me, losing myself here is a perfect way to escape.

August 7th flight

It's 2:37PM and the engine starts to roll

I'm leaving the place that became my home

My heart aches, I don't want to go

But I need to make a decision for me to grow

The distance seem so close yet so far

I know I can give a call, but it's not enough

Maybe the feeling of physical touch

Is far more different than any virtual

It's 2:41PM  and we're still on the ground

And I hear a sob from the back

Could I give her something to wipe her tears?

Coz I know it's hard to leave half you heart here

The plane starts taxi and then it flies

Then I look down, and see the church stand proud

I'm not a religious, but it makes me smile

Coz my home seats 100 steps away from where it stands

I'm hundred feet above, and surrounded by clouds

Funny how it never give a knock in my heart

I always wanted to belong somewhere safe

Maybe someone else's presences' is okay

Finally, I hear the captain's voice

Apologizing for the delayed that came before

Sharing our current location and some procedures

Oh, he also said, we'll arrived at 3:15PM

The flight didn't bored me so much

Maybe because I'm writing throughout the flight

But still this flight is delayed, I will not let it pass

We reached NAIA 41 minutes past the hour 

Saturday

The gloomy weather speaks 

While I'm sipping my favorite drink

Wondering how my day will be

If it will be just like all these years

The clock is ticking

Working how it should be

But sometimes I'm hoping 

It stops and let me free.

People walk back and forth.

Living the fast phase world

Are they feeling my yearning?

Or it's just my mind that is freaking?

I'm gone tired of staring

So I asked for my free refill

Maybe another cup of coffee,

Can make my mind at peace.

Lost and Found

When you stare and look me in the eyes

You'll find the truth and all the lies

The words and hurt I kept behind my mind

And all the other things I wish no one can find

I tried so hard to keep the façade.

To make everyone satisfied, happy, and glad.

But every time I smile, it breaks me more in the inside.

Oh, I feel so lonely being surrounded by a crowd.

As time passed, I felt so tired to carry the mask

And it sparks an act of courage to put it down.

But when I saw the person behind all the act,

Then I ask, "Where is the girl I used to know and love?"

Memories keep flashing like rays of light

Confusion, anger, and sadness are raging inside

Why I let myself hide the truth and live half of who I am

Just to serve a master that never care enough

I feel my soul burned cause I lost a certain part

Although regret is eating me up deep down

I know that even if I'll try so hard, I lost her now

And there's no chance to have her back this time. 

So I'll move on to live in this judging world

To follow my path and live with my truth

And even if the world will go against my tide 

I won't let it stop me to set my wings and fly. 

Insomnia

It's hard to sleep tonight

Can't put my mind to rest somehow

Wondering how the day went by

Am I over thinking again tonight? 

Why is it hard to sleep every night?

To pull away from what has passed

Embrace the future and accept the solace

Oh, all I wish is just to sleep well tonight

I hope the darkness devour me tonight 

To fall deep down, away from the light

Let tomorrow be a mystery that will come upon

But just for tonight, let me have a good night. 

July

July is almost over, and I haven't posted anything yet. So, before the month ends, I want to post this.

This year has been a lot of things. And it's hard to explain how the past months brought so much in my life.

I saw myself shifting, growing, and evolving constantly. It's crazy, yet I can say that these things helped me to see things differently.

I am relearning everything I once knew in a different way. I am taking a brave step to get rid of people, drama, and negative thoughts that built up in my head. I am learning to trust, know, understand, and to love myself better.

This year is a reset, and it helped me to realize that I need to set boundaries and keep some people at a distance and maintain a circle that is understanding, accepting, supportive, and loving. And this is the path I created over the past months, and honestly, it wasn't easy. It was heart and mind breaking at first, but eventually, I realized that this path is much better than the other I walked through because, in this path, I let myself be vulnerable, authentic, and I prioritize what makes me happy and feel at peace.

But despite all the realization and learnings, I know, I am still a working progress.  I am still in a constant battle between who I was and what I want to be. I am still trying to embrace my flaws and mistakes, there are still a lot of whys and how’s, but right now, I know somehow understand that there are things that I don't have control over, there are questions and emotions that I must let go and hope that one day I find answers for those.

I am healing, and for that, I am happy, but I'm not going to say that everything is smooth and okay. I still make mistakes and messed up, I overthink, I still miss who I was and the people and things I used to have. But what keeps me going and stops me to walk back to the old path, is when I think about everything that I've through.

It took me a lot for me to see my value and to understand what I deserve. It took me a great effort to stop caring about all the voices around me telling me how I should live my life, and lastly, it took me a great deal of time for me to accept and love who I am and the person that I’ll become.

It was tough, yes, but I don’t regret anything because everything that happened shaped me to be a better person not just for others, but ultimately for myself. Everything that happened made me understand myself more. And knowing oneself opens the door for acceptance and forgiveness.

So, for now, I am turning my page, to be in the next chapter, ready to explore and to learn, not because I am forced to but because I know that I deserve it.

Parallel

I wish to write her a love song
For her to know that I love her
But instead, I wrote her a sad poem
And it made her sad all night long

I wish she knows that I love her
The way the moon loves her lover
But instead, I shut my door close
And let the breeze froze her gentle

I wish I could offer her the world
Because she owns a heart of gold
But instead, I gave her pain to suffer
And I need the universe to mend her soul

I wish I could stare at her dreamy eyes
And tell her it soothes my heart every time
But instead, I let tears flow like a river
And now I am lost in this cruel world

I know that I love her, I am certain
And she adores me like the sky above her
But love is like a wind that flows forever
And now I am in a deep misery without her

I wish I could play God and keep her
Because loving her is fun, and life is easy
But time past, I must face the music
I lost her, but I bitterly found me.