Seal of Faith

Have you been in a scenario wherein you feel like the whole universe conspires just to make you realize something that everything is falling at the right time at the right place or if there is something comes up and hinders you to a decision you are up to make? I can say, four years ago, this happened to me. In a world being dominated by extroverts, can you imagine how an introvert like me managed to survive those four, dreadful years? I hated speaking in front of a lot of people, working in a chaotic place and being in the center of attention. But how I could escape all of those if I was elected as the president of our organization?

From being the auditor of the organization, I became the president of one of the biggest academic organizations in the university. To be honest, it wasn’t easy. I preferred doing all the paper work more than delivering a speech, facilitating room to room activities or attending training camps with different student leaders within or outside the university because socializing wasn’t my cup of tea. But everything changed after I became president. I became someone I never thought I would become. I became aware of my actions and I would think twice before I utter or make a comment about something. I made myself more approachable to others by smiling to people I don’t even know then making my introductions afterwards. I thought I could keep up to this unfamiliar world, but I was wrong.

Rough days came like a wind and I felt like my world was crashing on me. I felt so alone in a battle to make my organization better and stronger. The soldiers that should’ve fought along with me was slowly losing the will and I felt like I was the only one keeping the burning desire alive. I had no one to rely on. My organization was taking too much of my time and I tend to forget that I was a student-leader-- I had to be a student first before being a leader. There were times when my professor called my attention in class, questioning me and my position. He looked at me as if I am a failure and my classmates laughed at me as if I wasn’t doing good enough.

Also, during those days, my insecurities would kick in. I questioned myself if I could make it and if I deserved to be the president of my organization. But despite everything, I kept moving forward. However, there were also times that I would feel tired of motivating myself and pretend that everything is okay. I felt like whatever action I made wouldn’t make sense any more. I felt drained by that thought and I lost my will to do what I dreamed and wished for. Months after I was elected, I decided to leave my post because I wasn’t not good enough. I told myself, I’ll let the vice president of internal affairs take over my position.

I could still recall what exactly happened when I decided to write my resignation letter. I stared at my laptop for hours before actually starting it. In a way, I was skeptical to resign because I still believed I could do something more than anybody else. But at the same time, I was afraid that I am not being good enough. Moreover, I wasn’t sure what would be the future of my organization. I had plenty of plans that wouldn’t be implemented if I leave my post. But something happened after I finished my resignation letter. My laptop screen went black without a warning. I was 100% sure that my laptop was charged enough or at least enough for me to save the document. But it did not happen on my case. When I opened my laptop, I found out that the document wasn’t even recovered. Then I asked myself that night, was it a sign? Was it His intervention to make me realize that I should stop on doing what I was planning to do? Was it His sign to tell me to keep moving forward and do not give up? Days after that night, everything became clearer to me.

I listened to what my inner self is saying that it was His intervention. It was His way on telling me that it is okay to fail to the point that you cannot do anything right and your plan didn’t work out as planned. I also realized that it’s okay to cry, especially when people are judging you without having the chance to actually know you or when people you trust the most would turn their backs on you. But never, ever give up or lose hope and guts to change things and start over because not all things come easy.

A year after that, something bigger was in store for me. I was elected as Vice President for External Affairs for Supreme Student Council. I was elected not just by my organization, but by the whole student body. Until now, I still ponder what had happened to me. I learned that we have to trust and believe in our self because trusting our self is like trusting God and His plan.