To my Bro. Mutwald

I used to love you. I can still remember what I felt those days. You were my world; you were my sunshine and you are my happiness. You made me felt that everything is okay. You made me felt I am important that my life made sense. You used to be my everything and I never knew I could feel so deeply for you.

But you left and broke my heart. You left me with scars that will never fade away. You cause so much pain and I didn’t think I’d ever be okay, I didn’t think I could be okay, I didn't think I would survive the pain. It was worst kind of feeling. It felt like I was left alone in the middle of the dessert to starve and die alone. I was terrified by the pain and how it made me.

I became completely different person. I threw all the things that make me who I am. I pushed people away and built up high walls around me. I longed for your presence and I wanted to hear your voice but you weren't there. And I couldn't hold back the tears and the pain just hit me like a dagger through my heart.

But I couldn't blame you. I couldn't blame you for leaving me alone, for the scars, for the tears and for the pain I had. I can't because I understand why and I wish I didn't so it would be easier for me to just hate and forget you.

But I couldn’t move when you left because you took a part of me and I realized that I'll never be the same as before I loved you. I wished that you are still beside me, smiling at me telling me everything will be alright.

I was consumed by the pain and it became my own self-destruction. My friends and family doesn’t know about a single thing. I made them see a beautiful façade. They didn’t know that beneath of the façade I am slowly breaking within.

It took years for me to finally save myself, to pull myself out of a great depression and stop myself from inflicting so much pain.

There are lot of things that happened but I never blame you and I will never blame you for that.

But there are a lot of things I learned. And thank you for making me realized that the only person that can save me is myself and that I should not depend my happiness to anyone. And most especially I learned to love myself enough for me to walk away from someone who gave me so much pain and heartaches.  

And I am sorry, that on the process of fixing myself I had to pushed you away and burn the bridge that connects us.

I had to do what I think is best for me. I had to let go of the memories that makes me crave for your presence.

Losing you made me realized that no matter how much we wanted something, it may not always meant to you. That no matter how hard we try some things it will never change and will never happen.  

I realized that sometimes we need to lose ourselves so we can fix ourselves to be stronger and better person.  

I still always remember you but I no longer know who you are. We both changed in many different ways that made us strangers. But I wish you knew how much you meant to me and how you made me feel. I wish that you knew that no matter what happened you still occupied a special place in my heart and for sure it will never change. I wish I can tell you all of this, but I think it wouldn’t matter.

I loved you. That will never change but I guess this is where we belong ----- away from each other.