Choice to change happiness

Things happened. I experienced tons of disappointment, heartbreak, and loss. I was unhappy even when I’m surrounded by a lot of people. So, I made a choice – I chose to change and find my happiness.

But the path to happiness isn’t an easy road to take. Happiness wasn’t served on a silver platter. It wasn’t like a destiny that I just needed to wait, and it will happen.

I struggled to find things that would make me happy. I kept wondering the how and what. I questioned if there’s something I can give my heart to settle and just feel happy being alive. I tried, I tried so hard, but nothing makes sense.

Until realization dawned into me. I was looking in the wrong direction. I am doing the wrong thing. I realized that the answer to all questions is within me. I needed a version of myself that is entirely different from who I was. So, embrace what is inevitable – change.

I stripped down what’s holding me back – people, expectations, perspective, and values. And as I walked through this path, I was alone yet, surprisingly, I never felt lonely. I was happy - genuinely happy. And feeling that, I knew I did the right thing – change.

I embraced my own mundane existence. I accepted my imperfection, my flaws, and the person that I turned out to be. And I carried all these with understanding, self-awareness, forgiveness, love, and pride.

Who I was is the best version of myself to many different people except to my own self. I served and loved but forgot myself in the process. But these - my experience and my past, showed me to be right for myself. I recognized that I’m not always going to be someone else’s cup of tea. Everyone has their own standard of what is right and wrong, what is success and failure, what is pride and honor, what is good and bad, and what is love and hate. I somehow understood that not all people I meet are meant to shine my shoes. I must walk and choose my own path even if it means I need to walk alone.

At this point, I’ve learned that happiness lies in the choice and decision we make. There will always be days of sadness, failure, doubt, and grief but the choice to move forward, the courage to decide the risk I am willing to take, and the consequences that I am willing to live with is what, I believe, will lead me to my happiness.

Life is not easy, and I think it will never be. Despite all the realization that I had; I still think that I am bound to fail. I know for a fact that I will have moments that I will feel lost and stuck. There will be times I will still question my own capability and I am so sure that I’ll have a lot of sleepless nights because I overthink. I still believe that there will be days that I will dwell on my past and the heartache it caused me. But that is life. It is an evolving process. It is a continuous cycle of chasing what will make me happy. Because not feeling all these negative emotions and not having bad or heartbreaking experiences will lead me to missing the opportunity of knowing what happiness really means.

I think I came too far from where I was. I grew and changed. But as I look back, with all the things that happened, when I think about it, I always come out differently and realize that I am much happier than I was. Not in an instant but at some point, I will realize that I am.

And so, I may be wrong, but the definition of happiness especially in every single situation depends on how I wanted it to be. What I chose it to be. It is possible that what will make me happy now will not be the same tomorrow. But I guess, it’s for me to find out if I am right. For now, as long as I keep on choosing to change, I know, I'll find my happiness.

 

Election Rant

I can't stress enough how frustrated I am sa result. Paano nangyari ang nangyari? Ano ang mali? Bakit? Kasi sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga macomprehend yung naging result. Anong klaseng track record meron siya bakit siya binoto ng ganun kadaming Filipino? Ano yung mga plano niya sa bansa para iboto siya ng mga tao? I spent the whole night and day wondering about it pero olats. Wala akong maisip. 

Mas nakakapagod lalo na kung nakaka receive ka ng message na mang aasar lang dahil natalo yung kandidato na pinili kong suportahan na akala mo nag sabong lang o nanood ng basketball game sa Araneta. Pero totoo bang natalo ako, kami? O natalo tayong lahat? Itataya ko na it's the latter. Hindi ako o kaming bumoto kay VP Leni lang ang natalo. Dahil sa tingin ko, sa paniniwala ko, talo tayong lahat. Ang tanong, gaano kabigat ang pag katalo nating lahat sa laban na to? Yun ang hindi ko alam. Ang mga susunod na taon lang ang makakapag sabi. And I'll wait and watch the future unfold. 

Alam kong hindi dapat. Kasi dapat pinipili natin na dapat may gawin di ba? Because, us, Filipino deserves better. But we do what we can do to pick up ourselves up. Hindi kailangang huminto ang mundo. It hurts, yes. It's heartbreaking, yes. But we need to keep moving forward. Pero hindi ibig sabihin ipipikit ko yung mga mata ko at hindi titindig kung kinakailangan. I will if I have to. Pero selfish mang pakinggan, pero sa ngayon, kailangan kong piliin ang sarili ko. Nag kakaroon na ako ng anxiety dahil dito sa eleksyon na to at hindi siya maganda para sa akin - sa mental state ko. I fought so hard to be where I am and I can't go back to where I was. 

Naririnig ko nanaman yung nagsasabi na dapat hindi ako dapat maapektuhan kasi election lang to. Na hindi nga ako kilala nung mga kandidatong pinili ko. But I am affected because I know that it's something bigger than me that is at stake. Isa pa, it's my own feelings we are talking about. Who are they try to invalidate my feelings? 

Siguro sa huli, gusto ko lang sabihin na proud ako sa binoto ko at sa binoto ng pamilya ko - ng nanay at ng mga kapatid ko. Ginawa namin ang obligasyon naming bumoto. Pinili namin si VP Leni kasi alam naming siya yung kailangan natin, siya ang kailangan ng Pilipinas, but other Filipino said otherwise. At okay lang yun kasi may sarili at kanya kanyang tayong opinyon at ginawa lang nila yung sa tingin nilang mas deserving - unless otherwise bayad sila. 

But evertheless, sana, sana, I'm hoping and praying, na tama sila ng pinili. Tama ang pinili nila. Dahil in the end, we will reap the fruits of this election. Hindi lang ikaw o sila, kung hindi tayong lahat. 

So this is it. This is, hopefully, my last rant about this election.

Comethru

"Soon" they said when I ask when will I found myself

But the more I stay the more the feeling complicates

Can I turn around and stop making amends?

Coz it would be nice to feel free and find some solace

I keep wondering what I missed in this uphill road

I guess, I should I have not listen to Robert Frost.

Coz right now I am missing some hopeful thoughts,

It's all because of the great yellow wood.

Now I don't know to whom I belong

Coz it seems to me there is no better choice

I keep hearing voices as I walk along

Wiping away the little voice that I call my own

In this frame of mind I don't want to go on

I want to spear away and heal invisible wounds

And even if loneliness appears in the nightfall

At least the choice that will be made is my own

So in "soon" I will no longer want to wait

Perfection, doubt and fear I will never chase

I'll succumb to the little child that lives within

I guess, me, losing myself here is a perfect way to escape.

August 7th flight

It's 2:37PM and the engine starts to roll

I'm leaving the place that became my home

My heart aches, I don't want to go

But I need to make a decision for me to grow

The distance seem so close yet so far

I know I can give a call, but it's not enough

Maybe the feeling of physical touch

Is far more different than any virtual

It's 2:41PM  and we're still on the ground

And I hear a sob from the back

Could I give her something to wipe her tears?

Coz I know it's hard to leave half you heart here

The plane starts taxi and then it flies

Then I look down, and see the church stand proud

I'm not a religious, but it makes me smile

Coz my home seats 100 steps away from where it stands

I'm hundred feet above, and surrounded by clouds

Funny how it never give a knock in my heart

I always wanted to belong somewhere safe

Maybe someone else's presences' is okay

Finally, I hear the captain's voice

Apologizing for the delayed that came before

Sharing our current location and some procedures

Oh, he also said, we'll arrived at 3:15PM

The flight didn't bored me so much

Maybe because I'm writing throughout the flight

But still this flight is delayed, I will not let it pass

We reached NAIA 41 minutes past the hour 

Saturday

The gloomy weather speaks 

While I'm sipping my favorite drink

Wondering how my day will be

If it will be just like all these years

The clock is ticking

Working how it should be

But sometimes I'm hoping 

It stops and let me free.

People walk back and forth.

Living the fast phase world

Are they feeling my yearning?

Or it's just my mind that is freaking?

I'm gone tired of staring

So I asked for my free refill

Maybe another cup of coffee,

Can make my mind at peace.

Lost and Found

When you stare and look me in the eyes

You'll find the truth and all the lies

The words and hurt I kept behind my mind

And all the other things I wish no one can find

I tried so hard to keep the façade.

To make everyone satisfied, happy, and glad.

But every time I smile, it breaks me more in the inside.

Oh, I feel so lonely being surrounded by a crowd.

As time passed, I felt so tired to carry the mask

And it sparks an act of courage to put it down.

But when I saw the person behind all the act,

Then I ask, "Where is the girl I used to know and love?"

Memories keep flashing like rays of light

Confusion, anger, and sadness are raging inside

Why I let myself hide the truth and live half of who I am

Just to serve a master that never care enough

I feel my soul burned cause I lost a certain part

Although regret is eating me up deep down

I know that even if I'll try so hard, I lost her now

And there's no chance to have her back this time. 

So I'll move on to live in this judging world

To follow my path and live with my truth

And even if the world will go against my tide 

I won't let it stop me to set my wings and fly. 

Insomnia

It's hard to sleep tonight

Can't put my mind to rest somehow

Wondering how the day went by

Am I over thinking again tonight? 

Why is it hard to sleep every night?

To pull away from what has passed

Embrace the future and accept the solace

Oh, all I wish is just to sleep well tonight

I hope the darkness devour me tonight 

To fall deep down, away from the light

Let tomorrow be a mystery that will come upon

But just for tonight, let me have a good night. 

July

July is almost over, and I haven't posted anything yet. So, before the month ends, I want to post this.

This year has been a lot of things. And it's hard to explain how the past months brought so much in my life.

I saw myself shifting, growing, and evolving constantly. It's crazy, yet I can say that these things helped me to see things differently.

I am relearning everything I once knew in a different way. I am taking a brave step to get rid of people, drama, and negative thoughts that built up in my head. I am learning to trust, know, understand, and to love myself better.

This year is a reset, and it helped me to realize that I need to set boundaries and keep some people at a distance and maintain a circle that is understanding, accepting, supportive, and loving. And this is the path I created over the past months, and honestly, it wasn't easy. It was heart and mind breaking at first, but eventually, I realized that this path is much better than the other I walked through because, in this path, I let myself be vulnerable, authentic, and I prioritize what makes me happy and feel at peace.

But despite all the realization and learnings, I know, I am still a working progress.  I am still in a constant battle between who I was and what I want to be. I am still trying to embrace my flaws and mistakes, there are still a lot of whys and how’s, but right now, I know somehow understand that there are things that I don't have control over, there are questions and emotions that I must let go and hope that one day I find answers for those.

I am healing, and for that, I am happy, but I'm not going to say that everything is smooth and okay. I still make mistakes and messed up, I overthink, I still miss who I was and the people and things I used to have. But what keeps me going and stops me to walk back to the old path, is when I think about everything that I've through.

It took me a lot for me to see my value and to understand what I deserve. It took me a great effort to stop caring about all the voices around me telling me how I should live my life, and lastly, it took me a great deal of time for me to accept and love who I am and the person that I’ll become.

It was tough, yes, but I don’t regret anything because everything that happened shaped me to be a better person not just for others, but ultimately for myself. Everything that happened made me understand myself more. And knowing oneself opens the door for acceptance and forgiveness.

So, for now, I am turning my page, to be in the next chapter, ready to explore and to learn, not because I am forced to but because I know that I deserve it.

Parallel

I wish to write her a love song
For her to know that I love her
But instead, I wrote her a sad poem
And it made her sad all night long

I wish she knows that I love her
The way the moon loves her lover
But instead, I shut my door close
And let the breeze froze her gentle

I wish I could offer her the world
Because she owns a heart of gold
But instead, I gave her pain to suffer
And I need the universe to mend her soul

I wish I could stare at her dreamy eyes
And tell her it soothes my heart every time
But instead, I let tears flow like a river
And now I am lost in this cruel world

I know that I love her, I am certain
And she adores me like the sky above her
But love is like a wind that flows forever
And now I am in a deep misery without her

I wish I could play God and keep her
Because loving her is fun, and life is easy
But time past, I must face the music
I lost her, but I bitterly found me.

Lonely Nights

It's late and I'm tired,
But I'm excited tonight
Coz I know I'll hear your voice
And everything will be alright

So I said my hello
When you picked up the call
But you said you're sleepy
And you can't talk

Some days I let it go
Coz this thing isn't new
But tonight I had enough
I don't think I can let it go

Is it too much to ask
To have a little talk every night
To share my thoughts about life
And how my day went by

I guess for you, I am so much
For the right person, I think, I'm not.
Should I start searching for the one?
Or you'll pull a string to keep me in your arm?

Thoughts

There is beauty with every pain
Strength for every sorrow
Truth behind every lie
Love behind every heartache

Lost Light

I saw you walk away from the light
You closed your eyes from the suffering of this life
I was left broken, lost and blinded
On how it means to be alive

Mirror

Do not walk away from me my love
Rage against our ego and pride
Free ourselves from a historic fright
Go forth and conquer our dream life

Do not walk away from me my love
Step away from the shadow of thy past
Our innocent eyes deserve no frown
Be bold! And let's find our way back to light

Do not walk away from me my love
It will cost our peace and a million dime
Swim and dive into our deepest desire
Even if life turns like Wuthering Heights

Do not walk away from me my love
Let the chain of fear flow in the river of Nile
Liberate our heart to the weight of our mask
For us to finally embrace our dream solace

So, do not walk away from me my love
Let go of what-ifs and the judging mind
Be true to the tune of our beating heart
Hold on to me, do not let go I'm begging you, my love

Dear Self

Dear Self,

In the past years, I've silenced you. I shut all the emotions that could break the made up imaged that I created to the world. I made people believe that you are an independent, intelligent and strong woman who can handle everything. And I did everything that I could to keep it that way without even thinking about the consequences that it might destroy you in the end. And now, you are paying the price of my decision and I am so sorry.

I never wish to break your heart. I did everything that I did because that's what I thought was right. I thought the world doesn't need someone who has a soft heart. I thought that you should be mature and has all the answers that the world has thrown on you. But despite my good intention, I made things worse and broke your heart in the process.

And I'm sorry for all the things that you went through because of my decisions. I'm sorry for all the times I put others best interest first before you. I just did everything that I did because that's what I thought was right. I never wish to break your heart. And if only I could take away the pain, I will do it in a heartbeat. But I know things didn't work that way. I know the aftermath of these will take time to heal and fix.

But I hope one day you'll able to forgive me for all the mistakes and wrong decisions that I made. I hope one day, I'll find completely healed and happy. And I hope that day comes because you deserve to live a happy life.

My 2017 Thoughts

How often do we easily judge people? During our meeting last week, we were asked who could write an inspiring story and I volunteered myself even though I’m not sure if I could even write something inspiring. In the past days, I wasn't sure what to write. I thought, maybe I can write something about the inspiring leadership training I attended in the past. But yesterday, I realized that there is something much better than that.

I decided to write about myself.

To be honest, there is nothing inspiring about me. People see me as a perky and optimistic person. However, not all people like my own version of perkiness because I tend to become talkative. I know some won’t appreciate that but people who know me well will appreciate every single word I’ll say because not often I speak up and voice out my inner thoughts. I wasn’t really open to everyone.

In the past, I always played the role of a strong and independent person. At times, I even saw myself as a tough soccer player fiercely trying to reach the goal because I’ve worked hard for everything I’ve envisioned to be—to become a source of inspiration, motivation, and comfort to people especially during the times of hardship and troubles. I made sure that I could accomplish everything, without letting failure or rejection as an option.

 

But just like the old saying goes, “Even the best fall down sometimes.”

I was eaten by all the responsibilities I had on my shoulders. The stress and pressure from school, work, and personal issues consumed me every single day. It made to a point when I woke up, I felt like nothing made sense. I didn’t know why I suddenly felt tired and drained about almost everything. Fear, frustration, depression, and anxiety were all blending in my mind as I began falling and eventually failing physically, mentally and emotionally.

Every day, it felt like I lost myself and my identity. I got tongue-tied and bewildered whenever people would ask what was happening to me. Before, I used to have answers to every question on the spot, but at that point, I was no longer sure about everything. All I knew was my world was falling in deep chaos and unsure what to do.

I lost the confidence I built within myself. I no longer knew the path I needed to take. I was lost in an empty road alone, nowhere to go. I was so hopeless that I started to question everything about myself, about the people around and all the things that happened to me.

All those hardships, I kept it within myself. Behind those seemingly perfect and strong façade, I healed my own pain, patched my own scars, guarded my own heart, and laughing out my sadness and fears. No one knew the truth except me and the moments I cried out alone. I thought I could stand and face my own distress. But I was wrong; I couldn’t stand alone against my own. I knew I was facing my own destruction.

I remembered when I attended mass years ago, at the homily the priest said, “Every time you say, ‘Peace be with you’, make sure that you mean it because you might not know that the person next to you needs it.” When I heard those words years back, I understood what he meant. But I never expect that one day, I would be the person who needs it. 

I prayed for peace of mind.

I was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I relentlessly looked for answers within myself but I couldn’t find any. I wanted to be free from all the thoughts that consumed me.

I hit rock bottom as I slowly losing my grip to my sanity.

It was hard for me to share my thoughts with anyone because it’s not in my personality to be open about my emotions. For me, I always choose to be in control with my feelings and choose to handle it myself. It’s not that I don’t trust people, I just don’t want to be a burden for anyone and I was afraid to be judged.

I tried to live as normal as I could and kept up my façade even though I’m struggling deep down. But it came to a point where I felt tired of fighting against my own thoughts. I was so scared of those thoughts running through my mind so I chose to put an end to it.

I step out of my comfort zone. I was honestly scared but I still tried.

I vented out my thoughts to some of my colleagues and friends but they simply told me that I was only going through a phase and I can get through it. But then, deep inside, I knew their advice was no help for me. I got disappointed and so, I then decided to keep my mouth shut because at that moment I knew no one would understand. I began to realize that it’s hard when others used to see you as a cheerful one. Moreover, it’s hard when they are used to see you strong and capable of doing things because they know you can handle your problems alone when in fact, you’re in your most vulnerable.

 

I decided to quit my job and have a break from everything and everyone around me. At first, it was scary because I was afraid that I might regret my decision. To add more to my worries, there were people who questioned my decision to leave. But I guess, my resiliency and tenacity to find myself again were much more powerful and important than what other people think and will say. For me, I did the right thing.  I chose the right choice and I know it will be worth it.

In the past few months, I learned many things I failed to ponder on before. I was in the process of forgiving myself for all the things that I had done and had failed to do. I learned to make every day count and to cherish every moment. I learned to be more vocal about my emotions and thoughts. I learned to embrace my weaknesses and appreciate my strengths. I learned that by being broken we could rebuild ourselves to be the best version of ourselves.

It was undeniably a tough fight, but by continuously pushing yourself, standing up and believing that you deserve better than living a life full of negative thoughts are the most important steps to help yourself. I realized that there is no shame in admitting that you need help because it’s not all the time that we’re strong to face our problems alone.

There will be a lot of times when we will feel the heavy loads on our shoulders and there will be times that we will get hurt, frustrated and broken. But these things mold us to become a better version of ourselves. Facing these difficult times will lead us to the discovery of our inner power and strength, and the people who truly love us. We only have one shot to do whatever we want in this lifetime. The only one that stopping is from truly enjoying it is ourselves.

This isn’t a usual success story that talked about rags to riches. This isn’t a story that inspires those who wanted to become bosses or a story of winning the lottery. Nevertheless, this is a story that wishes to inspire and remind us to be more sensitive, caring and understanding that everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about, so never judge someone just because of what you see on the outside.

This is a story of choosing and discovering oneself. A story of failure but learning to stand up against adversity. A story of hope. A story of finding and embracing yourself. This is my own story. This is me finding my way back to life.

*This was written last 2017 however, this was based on what happened to me last 2016.  

Reminder

If you feel like giving up, please, pause for a while and think;

Remember the times when you passed an exam after you review all night,

Remember the times when you ace an interview and get hired,

Remember the times when people say that you can't make it, but you proved them otherwise,

Remember the times when you stand on what you believe in and turned out that you were right,

Remember the times when you make someone happy,

Remember the times when you make your parents proud,

Remember all the setbacks that you had overcome,

Remember all the battles that you fought and had won,

And remember all the experiences that mold you to get better.

Life will get rough and tough as we grow older, but you’ll surpass it just like you did in the past.

You just have to continue what you are doing.                                 

Believe in yourself. Be happy and proud of the person you become.

Embrace you flaws and faults. Love yourself better and remember it’s not selfish to do so.

Remember losing does mean you fail, but it just gives you another way to win.

Another reason to fought harder.

And so, if you feel like giving up, remember all those things.

And I know, you'll realize, d@ng! It's not time to give up! I can do this, just like I always do.

An Angel

 You are an angel

I can't stop from falling

Your eyes keep me dreaming

That we'll last for an eternity

And so, I hope time stops on doubting

That you and I are not destined

Coz if she thinks that this is crazy

I'll go against reality

Coz I want you so badly

To be part of my long journey

Unrequited Love

Unrequited Love 

The Smile Fades, Our Friendship Dies

It Didn't Survive When Love Played Its Part

You Said It Was All My Fault

I Made You Fall with My Sweet and Caring Words

But It Wasn't Intention, Not at All

Coz Hurting You Will Never Be My Goal

But Life Put Us to The Point of No Return

And Now We Are Standing Face to Face,

But It Feels Like A Thousand Miles Away

I Want to Reach and Hold Your Hand

But Your Door Is Locked and Closed

Coz You Said I Broke Your Heart

And Being Friends Again Will Never Be an Option

Behind her Poem

I know someone who loves to write
She said she keeps her secret behind the lines
I try so hard and spend some time
To dig it up and find what she hides

But she's so deep, and I couldn't dive
She remained a mystery, A shadow behind the light

But I know behind her work of art
There is a story in every word that she writes
But she chooses not to voice it out
Because she wants to know, who can find her behind the dark

My Lonely Song

My Lonely Song

Capo II

                     G               D  

There’s no word can define

                  Em                C

To all the pain I try to hide

                      G               D

I’m dealing this every night

                      Em                C            

And no one tries to find this out

                   G                  D 

I couldn’t fight all the thoughts

                        Em                     C

That keeping me away from home

                     G                  D              

I’m dealing this on my own

               Em                   C

Can you save me? It’s getting worse

 G                      D

Will you be my saving light?

            Em                      C

In this world of gray and black

                G                    D  

Can you be my lucky guide?

              Em               C

So, my soul can be found

                G   D    

Who am I to you?

               Em                C

Do you see that I’m in blue?

                        G                           D 

With broken heart and broken dreams

               Em                      C

Missed the chance to be me

                G                           D          

Can you play my favorite line?

                             Em                    C

Or pray that for me to be just fine

                 G             D        

So, I can deal this tonight

                 Em                  C

And find my way back to life

                  G                   D 

I’ve been in this road for long

                  Em                C

I wanna break down the circle

        G                         D     

Coz lonely, can you save me?

              Em                C

No one wish to be alone

                     G                D 

There’s no words can define

                  Em                C

To all the pain I try to hide

                G                    D  

And it’s lonely, need some saving

         Em                  C

Coz I want to feel alive

                 G                   D  

Will you check from the start?

             Em                     C

Before my signs fade in time

               G                   D    

Coz it’s there, I just hide

                Em                  C

Can you pull me back to life?

                 G                       D             

Can you read between the lines?

                  Em             C

Coz from there you will find

             G                  D       

All the things I try hide

          Em                C

I just want to be found

G                       D

Will you be my saving light?

                G                    D  

Can you be my lucky guide?

        G                         D     

Coz lonely, can you save me?

          Em                C

I just want to be found

G