July

July is almost over, and I haven't posted anything yet. So, before the month ends, I want to post this.

This year has been a lot of things. And it's hard to explain how the past months brought so much in my life.

I saw myself shifting, growing, and evolving constantly. It's crazy, yet I can say that these things helped me to see things differently.

I am relearning everything I once knew in a different way. I am taking a brave step to get rid of people, drama, and negative thoughts that built up in my head. I am learning to trust, know, understand, and to love myself better.

This year is a reset, and it helped me to realize that I need to set boundaries and keep some people at a distance and maintain a circle that is understanding, accepting, supportive, and loving. And this is the path I created over the past months, and honestly, it wasn't easy. It was heart and mind breaking at first, but eventually, I realized that this path is much better than the other I walked through because, in this path, I let myself be vulnerable, authentic, and I prioritize what makes me happy and feel at peace.

But despite all the realization and learnings, I know, I am still a working progress.  I am still in a constant battle between who I was and what I want to be. I am still trying to embrace my flaws and mistakes, there are still a lot of whys and how’s, but right now, I know somehow understand that there are things that I don't have control over, there are questions and emotions that I must let go and hope that one day I find answers for those.

I am healing, and for that, I am happy, but I'm not going to say that everything is smooth and okay. I still make mistakes and messed up, I overthink, I still miss who I was and the people and things I used to have. But what keeps me going and stops me to walk back to the old path, is when I think about everything that I've through.

It took me a lot for me to see my value and to understand what I deserve. It took me a great effort to stop caring about all the voices around me telling me how I should live my life, and lastly, it took me a great deal of time for me to accept and love who I am and the person that I’ll become.

It was tough, yes, but I don’t regret anything because everything that happened shaped me to be a better person not just for others, but ultimately for myself. Everything that happened made me understand myself more. And knowing oneself opens the door for acceptance and forgiveness.

So, for now, I am turning my page, to be in the next chapter, ready to explore and to learn, not because I am forced to but because I know that I deserve it.

Parallel

I wish to write her a love song
For her to know that I love her
But instead, I wrote her a sad poem
And it made her sad all night long

I wish she knows that I love her
The way the moon loves her lover
But instead, I shut my door close
And let the breeze froze her gentle

I wish I could offer her the world
Because she owns a heart of gold
But instead, I gave her pain to suffer
And I need the universe to mend her soul

I wish I could stare at her dreamy eyes
And tell her it soothes my heart every time
But instead, I let tears flow like a river
And now I am lost in this cruel world

I know that I love her, I am certain
And she adores me like the sky above her
But love is like a wind that flows forever
And now I am in a deep misery without her

I wish I could play God and keep her
Because loving her is fun, and life is easy
But time past, I must face the music
I lost her, but I bitterly found me.

Lonely Nights

It's late and I'm tired,
But I'm excited tonight
Coz I know I'll hear your voice
And everything will be alright

So I said my hello
When you picked up the call
But you said you're sleepy
And you can't talk

Some days I let it go
Coz this thing isn't new
But tonight I had enough
I don't think I can let it go

Is it too much to ask
To have a little talk every night
To share my thoughts about life
And how my day went by

I guess for you, I am so much
For the right person, I think, I'm not.
Should I start searching for the one?
Or you'll pull a string to keep me in your arm?

Thoughts

There is beauty with every pain
Strength for every sorrow
Truth behind every lie
Love behind every heartache

Lost Light

I saw you walk away from the light
You closed your eyes from the suffering of this life
I was left broken, lost and blinded
On how it means to be alive

Mirror

Do not walk away from me my love
Rage against our ego and pride
Free ourselves from a historic fright
Go forth and conquer our dream life

Do not walk away from me my love
Step away from the shadow of thy past
Our innocent eyes deserve no frown
Be bold! And let's find our way back to light

Do not walk away from me my love
It will cost our peace and a million dime
Swim and dive into our deepest desire
Even if life turns like Wuthering Heights

Do not walk away from me my love
Let the chain of fear flow in the river of Nile
Liberate our heart to the weight of our mask
For us to finally embrace our dream solace

So, do not walk away from me my love
Let go of what-ifs and the judging mind
Be true to the tune of our beating heart
Hold on to me, do not let go I'm begging you, my love

Dear Self

Dear Self,

In the past years, I've silenced you. I shut all the emotions that could break the made up imaged that I created to the world. I made people believe that you are an independent, intelligent and strong woman who can handle everything. And I did everything that I could to keep it that way without even thinking about the consequences that it might destroy you in the end. And now, you are paying the price of my decision and I am so sorry.

I never wish to break your heart. I did everything that I did because that's what I thought was right. I thought the world doesn't need someone who has a soft heart. I thought that you should be mature and has all the answers that the world has thrown on you. But despite my good intention, I made things worse and broke your heart in the process.

And I'm sorry for all the things that you went through because of my decisions. I'm sorry for all the times I put others best interest first before you. I just did everything that I did because that's what I thought was right. I never wish to break your heart. And if only I could take away the pain, I will do it in a heartbeat. But I know things didn't work that way. I know the aftermath of these will take time to heal and fix.

But I hope one day you'll able to forgive me for all the mistakes and wrong decisions that I made. I hope one day, I'll find completely healed and happy. And I hope that day comes because you deserve to live a happy life.