View
I stand at the midst of the sea
Where I see the bird that flee
Is this the place I need to be?
Or a place I need to leave
In the midst of silence
Can you hardly hear?
The sound of my fear
Or the tickle of my tear
If you are in the peak
Will you look beneath?
Will you listen to the whisper of the wind?
Or stare just like stars and breathe
If you were a tree
And every day you meet
Your lover and forever, storm
Will you stand still and greet?
I smile with a thousand masks
And no one will seek the truth
As long as I give fruit
It is enough, life will go on.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Panaginip
“Ano ang ginagwa mo dito?” ito ang tanong na nag palingon sa akin habang nakatingin sa malawak na damuhan.
“Zandra.” Masaya kong bigkas sa pangalan nang kaibigan ko, sa kaibigang pinagkakatiwalaan at kaibigang hindi ko madalas makita pero napaka lapit sa puso ko “Ikaw anong ginagawa mo dito?”
Lumapit siya sa akin at umupo sa tabi ko.
“I’m the first one to ask you Andy remember?” Nakangiti niyang sabi sa akin nang makaupo na ito sa tabi ko.
Muli ay nginitian ko siya her face is the same as before “Wala lang I just feel like being here wala kasi akong pasok tapos na miss ko tong school so ayun.” Ang sagot ko sa kanya pero hindi ko maintinhin kung bakit iyon ang sagot ko nag tataka ako kung bakit.
“Ikaw talaga.” Sabi niya “Kapag ginusto mo gagawin mo.” Ngumiti ito saka umiwas nang tingin
“Ikaw anong ginagwa mo dito?” mabilis na tanong ko
Napalingon siya sa tanong ko “Dahil dito ang nag aaral hindi ba?” sabay tapik nito sa braso ko
Napangisi ako at napakamot sa ulo “hay oo nga pala.” Sabi ko kay Zandra saka muli kong pinag masdan ang malawak na oval nang aking pinaka mamahal na alma matter.
“Mukhang wini-welcome ka dito oh.” Sabi ni Zandra sa akin “The trees are waving then the birds.” Turo nito sa akin. Nakikita ko ang mga pag galaw nang mga dahon nang mga puno at ang pag lipat nang mga ibon sa akin harapan.
I smile with amazement “oo nga noh.” I close my eyes and feel the air. Sa bawat pag hinga ko pakiramdam ko unti unting bumabalik sa akin yung mga alaala ko sa lugar na to. “It’s nice to be back.” I feel home and safe but there is a certain feeling I feel habang naka upo ako dito pakiramdam ko may mali.
“Nilipat na pala ang main gate.” Natigilan ako hindi ko alam kung paano ko nalaman hindi ko naman ito nakita.
“Yeah.” Maikling sagot niya sa akin nang hindi tumitingin
Hinayaan ko ang ganung ayos para mapagmasdan ko siya nang mabuti she look the same pero pakiramdam ko may iba sa kanya, may nag bago pero hindi ko masabi kung ano.
“Huwag mo nga akong titigan nang ganyan baka matunaw ako.” Nakangiti niyang sabi sa akin.
Natawa ako sa sinabi niya “Na miss lang kita Alexandra Gomez ”
Tumingin siya sa akin may bahid nang lungkot ang tingin niya “Talaga Andy Navarro?”
“Oo naman” sagot ko sa kanya sabay kapit sa braso ni Zandra ngumiti ito ” anyway kumain ka na ba?” tanong ko
“Let’s eat nagugutom na ako. ”
“Tara” sabi ni Zandra saka tumayo. “Basta libre mo ako.”
Nagbibiruan at nag tatawanan kami habang naglalakad tinuro niya sa akin yung bagong tayong building nang school para sa elementary. Nasabi ko sa kanya na marami na palang naging improvements ang school at sa ilang taon pa dadami pa iyon na sinang ayunan naman ni Zandra.
“Wow” ito ang nasabi ko nang makapasok ako sa canteen nang aking alma matter. Sa Canteen kung saan madalas kaming kumain at tumambay pag tumatakas sa klase “I miss this place” sabi ko kay Zandra saka ako kumuha nang tray “and yung tocino super miss ko” natatawa kong sabi
Natawa din si Zandra sa sinabi ko “hay nako ako sobrang sawana na ako dyan.”
Pero pareho kaming nang inorder na pagkain, isang rice, tocino and mixed vegetable na combo meal na daing 35 pesos 45 pesos na.
“Nag taas na sila nang price huh ang daya.” Sabi ko nang maka upo kami
“Oo nga eh.” Natatawang sabi ni Zandra sa akin.
Just like before mas marami pang oras sa kwentuhan at tawanan ang pag kain namin just like before just like what we used to do before tulad nung Highschool pa lang kami at ito ang isa sa mga bagay that I really miss na gawin kasama si Zandra no words can express how much happy I am nakasama ko ulit siyang kumakain. Pagkatapos naming kumain agad kaming bumalik sa may oval mahangin kasi doon tulad nang dati naming ginagawa pag may sobra pa kaming time.
“Hay.. ang dami na talagang nag bago” Sabi ko kay Zandra nang makaupo na ako nang maayos.
“Hindi lang naman ang school ang nag babago.” Ito ang narinig kong sabi ni Zandra.
Napakunot noo ako sa narinig. “Huh?”
“Wala.”
“Zandra!” Napalingon ako kasabay ni Zandra Siyam na nakangiting tao ang papalapit sa amin tumayo ito, pagkaraang sumulyap kay Zandra sa akin na naka tingin ang mga ito siguro sa isip nang mga ito nag tatanong kung sino ako.
“Kanina ka pa namin hinahanap” Sabi nang isa sa kanila nang huminto ang mga ito sa harap namin.”Kumain ka na?”
“Oo eh kasabay ko siya.” Sabay turo sa akin ni Zandra “Anyway Guys I want you to meet my friend Andy.”
Tumayo ako sa kinauupuan ko “Andy meet my friends” saka isa isang pinakilala sa akin ang mga friends niya.
“Hi nice to meet all” ang nakangiti kong sabi sa kanila.
Pagkaraan nag paalam na ang mga ito para kumain. “Sige kain na kayo” sabi ni Zandra saka ngumiti. Zandra wave her hand bago tuluyang kaming talikuran nang mga kaibigan niya.
“You look happy.” Naka ngiti kong sabi ko kay Zandra nang pareho na kaming nakaupo. Masaya ako dahil masaya si Zandra sa tingin ko masaya talaga si Zandra the ways she act, the ways she speak with them very comfortable habang kausap niya ang mga ito.
“May mali ba akong nasabi Zandra?” Tanong ko sa kanya nang napansin kong biglang pagkawala nang mga ngiti sa labi niya.
“Wala” umiiling niyang sagot sa akin ni Zandra saka ngumiti “Your right Andy I am happy”
I half smile “That’s good.”
Iniwas niya ang tingin saka ko narinig ang pag hinga niya nang malalim
“Is there something you want to say?” tanong ko sa kanya.
“Is there something you want to know, Andy?” Balik tanong nito sa akin.
May na sense ako na may iba pang meaning ang sinabi niyang iyon “Zandra may problema ba?”
“Kamusta na ang barkada?” tanong nito at hindi sinagot ang tanong ko.
“Okey naman sila.” Diretso kong Sagot ko sa kanya. I wonder kung ano ang iniisip nito kung ano ang gusto nitong sabihin sa akin. “Hindi ka namin madalas makita.”
Nakita ko ang pag iwas nang tingin nito sa akin saka yumuko. “kailangan eh.”
“Zandra sa tingin ko may gusto kang sabihin.” Hindi ko mapigilang sabihin pakiramdam ko kasi may gusto itong sabihin sa akin “Your acting so strange kasi”
“Kilala mo talaga ako noh?” napangiti ako sa sinabi niya pero biglang naging seryoso ang mukha nito “You know
Andy there are a lot of things that I realized since you left, that in this world the only thing that is constant is changes. Hindi man natin napapansin everything change kahit na tumigil tayo sa pag babago the world will never stop to change.”
“Anong ibig mong sabihin Zandra? ” kunot noong tanong ko sa kanya. Hindi ko maintindihan ang mga nang yayari pakiramdam ko meron akong kailangang maalala pero hindi ko alam kung ano.
“Simple lang Andy that everything in this world come and go, everything move” sabi nito “that nothing is constant in this world even friends…”
“Zandra….” Pag pigil ko sa mga susunod pa niyang sasabihin. Sa pag alis namin dito sa school ang patutunguhan nang sinasabi niya
“I know Andy” mablis niyang sabi sa akin “ I don’t have any rights to tell you na dito na lang kayo nag aral na sana mag kakasama na lang tayo dito I know that we have our own different dream to reach.”
Nakangiti nitong sabi sa akin pero kitang kita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata ni Zandra. “Alam ko yun at Naiintindihan ko yun Andy”
Tumayo si Zandra sa kinauupuan niya “Pero ang sakit eh sobrang sakit” ito ang narinig ko kay Zandra hindi ko man nakikita ang mukha nito alam ko na pinipigil nito ang umiyak. “Hindi ko alam kung ano yung gagawin ko Andy nung nawala kayo dito sa school, nang naiwan ako dito.” Lumingon siya sa akin trying to smile in front of me pinapakita niya that everything is still under her control pero sa mga mata nito kitang kita ko ang nangingilid na mga luha
“Sa bawat hakbang, sa bawat lingon ko dito sa university all I see is our happy memories at wala akong hiniling noon kung hindi sana tulad na lang nang dati ang lahat and that wish is a wish of a fool kasi kahit anong gawin ko alam ko na hindi ko na maibabalik pa ang panahong magkakasama tayo noon.”
Wala akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang titigan siya dahil ang bawat salita na lumalabas sa kanya ay parang kutsilyo na sumasaksak sa puso ko. Dahil wala akong nagawa nung panahon na nanasasaktan na pala si Zandra wala akong nagawa para tulungan yung kaibigan ko dahil akala ko everything is fine dahil sa tuwing nagkikita kami nung 1st year college kami masaya siya pero mali pala ako. Bigla akong natigilan hindi ko alam kung bakit pakiramdam ko may kailangan akong maalala at hindi ko alam kung ano iyon.
“Kaya nga pag may pagkakataon noon na makikita ko kayo pumupunta ako agad, gagawin ko yung magagawa ko para makasama ko lang kayo.” Saka tumalikod sa akin “Pero dumating ako sa point na napagod ako Andy.” Bumaba siya nang isang baiting mula sa akin saka umupo. “Minsan nag text ako kay Lexi I told her na daanan niya ako sa mall na mag kita kami kahit 5 minutes lang na hihintayin ko siya pero lumipas ang isa’t halahating oras pero wala siya hindi siya nag pakita alam ko na hindi siya darating dahil klase na niya hindi ko napigilan ang hindi maluha habang nag lalakad pauwi I felt betrayed at masakit dahil kaibigan ko siya. Yung mall a minute away lang sa sinasakyan niya maiintindihan ko naman kung hindi siya makakapunta, pwede naman siyang mag text na hindi siya makakadaan hindi ba, alam ko kasalanan ko, bakit nga ba ako nag hintay sa kanya? Pero tatlong araw ang dumaan wala akong narinig sa kanya hanggang nag kita kami sa birthday ni Max hindi ko siya kinakausap, kahit tignan pinilit kong hindi gawin. Pero parang wala lang nang yari I thing wala siyang clue o balewala lang sa kanya o hindi niya na alala ang nangyari hindi ko alam sa kanya. Kasabay ko siyang umuwi nang malapit na kaming mag hiwalay nang daan I told her na masama yung loob ko sa kanya and I guess sorry is the hardest word for her to say.”
Tinitignan ko lang siya mula sa likuran saka bigla kong na alala yung birthday ni Max pero hindi ko na pansin o maalala ang pag iwas ni Zandra kay Lexi. Ang natatandaan ko lang ay nakikipag kulitan at nakikipag usap siya sa amin noon. Yun pala may problema wala rin akong natandaang sinabi si Lexi na may problema sila ni Andy.
“Alam mo minsan kong sinubukang lumayo sa inyo hoping na hahanapin ninyo ako. No text, no phone cal,l walang friendster, walang chatting just for 3 days nag hintay ako pero kahit isang text wala akong natanggap galing sa inyo saka ko na realize na pagod na akong mag hintay na kailangan ko na nang mag move on sa pag kawala ninyo.” Lumingon siya sa aking she give me a fake smile it’s a fake dahil alam ko na hindi naman talaga siya masaya she’s trying to cover pain up nag tataka ako kung bakit kailangan pa niyang gawin yun. Pero nararamdaman ko ang nararamdaman niya ang sakit that no one reach out for her sa dami naming mag kakaibigan wala kahit isa sa amin.
“I’m sorry Zandra hindi ko alam” I told her.
“I guess I don’t need It, kasi hindi na mababago nang sorry ang lahat, hindi na mabubura nang sorry yung sakit na naramdaman ko noon…wala na tayong magagawa about it Andy dahil nang yari yun.”
Inalis niya ang tingin sa akin at hinarap ang oval “Ginawa ko ang lahat nang pwede kong gawin to move on”
“Isa ba doon ang hindi pag punta sa mga gatherings natin?” I ask her
Hindi siya nakatingin sa akin pero kalahati nang mukha ay nakikita ko. She nod “Oo.. but may mga times na totoo ang sinasabi ko pero kahit na pwede ako I try not to mingle with you”
Napalunok ako at inalis ko ang tingin sa kanya. Nasasaktan ako nung mga time na yun iniiwasan pala kami ni Zandra pero hindi ko yun na pansin. bakit?
“Umiwas ako, lumayo ako hindi para kalimutan kayo o yung mga memories natin na mag kakasama ginawa ko yun para matanggap ko sa sarili ko ang lahat nang mga nangyayari, ginawa ko yun para mahanap ang sarili ko, yung ako na nawala dahil sa sobrang lungkot at sa sakit naramdaman ko, yung ako na nawala dahil hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na mabuhay sa mundo nang kahapon.” Huminto siyang mag salita nakaramdam ako nang guilt sa mga sinabi niya nang hindi ko alam na sobra pala siyang nasasaktan at nahihirapan
“But Andy I never blame you o yung barakda for everything at never akong nag sisi na nakilala ko kayo. The only person in this world that I blame is myself because pain and hurts are the result of my own doing, result of my own decisions”
“Now I understand”tumingin ako sa kanya “Pero sana Zandra sinabi mo sa amin na nasasaktan ka, na nahihirapan ka, na kailangan mo kaming mga kaibigan mo, sana natulungan ka namin.”
“Kung sinabi ko sayo inyo? sayo Andy ano ang gagawin mo?”
Natigilan ako dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot sa kanya
She half smile “That’s good na hindi ka na lang sumagot mabuti na yun kesa nag sinungaling ka.” Sabi ni
Zandra “ Hindi ko sinabi sa inyo kasi hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabin at iniisip ko kung ano yung magiging reaction ninyo. But I try to tell you sa mga ilang group message ko sa inyo ang ilan dun merong ibang meaning hindi man direkta pero umasa ako na maiintindihan ninyo kung ano ibig sabihin nang mga text ko and also I have my blog right naka sulat lahat doon. ”
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman kasi hindi ko nakita yung dapat kong nakita noon, kaibigan ba talaga ako nang taong nasa harapan ko? Kasi bilang kaibigan niya dapat alam ko na kailangan niya ang tulong ko kahit hindi niya sabihin, hindi ako naging sensitive sa needs niya sa panahon na kailangan niya nang isang kaibigan. Hindi ako naging isang mabuting kaibigan sa tao na naging mabuting kaibigan sa akin she helped me a lot of times, I can always count on her, she can always makes me happy makes me feel that I am special that I am important. I am a failure as a friend kaya hindi ko alam ang dapat gawin I can’t blame her sa pag layo sa amin I really think it’s reasonable enough to ease the pain na naramdaman niya.
“Ngayon Zandra Can I ask how are you?” Nagawa kong itanong sa kanya nang diretso tumayo ako at lumapit sa kanya. Pero natatakot ako, natatakot na masaya siya na wala na kami sa buhay niya. Zandra is a good person, a valued friend and to lose a friend like her isang malaking kawalan para sa akin. How I wish I turn back time para tulungan siya to cope up pero alam ko na hindi mang yayari yun.
“Just like what I told you kanina Andy I am happy.” Naging diretso rin niyang sagot sa akin and it hurts kanina nang sinabi niya iyon baliwala lang sa akin pero ngayon matapos kong marinig ang lahat I feel threaten and envy. Umupo ako na may distansya sa kanya “Alam mo we can just really appreciate the true meaning of happiness kapag minsan sa buhay natin nasaktan tayo.” Napalingon ako sa sinabi niya and she’s trying to smile isang bagay na hindi ko kayang gawin lalo na ngayon.
Mabigat sa dibdib ko ang ulitin ang sinabi niya “Masaya ka.” Sinabi ko na nakatingin sa mga mata niya “Masaya ka dahil sa mga bagong friends mo.”
“They are part of my happiness, Andy” umpisa niya “I am happy now kasi na tanggap ko na ang lahat and I moved on. I know that I made a lot of mistake and I made a wrong decision but everything is in the past now what matter most for me is the present, now that I am happy”
“Zandra, I am really glad to know that you are happy at nalagpasan mo ang lahat but it really hurts me to know that you got hurt because of us, na wala kami sa tabi mo nang kailangan mo kami at ang mas masakit now I know you’re happy even without us.”
“I’ve been stronger person now, a much better person because of the things na pinagdaanan ko.” Lumapit siya sa tabi ko “And if would be given a second chance in life gagawin ko parin ang ginawa ko. I love you at ang buong barkada I just had let you go because I had accepted the fact that your no longer around me, that you are not mine to be kept, that I don’t own you, that all I have to do for you is that hayaan gayong gawin ang gusto ninyong gawin at ako I’ll just watch you from a far.”
Tumayo si Zandra at humarap sa akin pero nakayuko ako
“Andy this is me now, I change not just because I got hurt or whatever, I change for myself Andy, who ever I am now you guys will always be a special people in my life, whoever I will be in the future I promise you na hindi kayo mawawala sa puso ko. Hindi man tayo mag kikita at nag kakasama you guys never failed to make me happy. You are still part of who I am and why I am happy.”
“Are you ready to see us all?” tanong ko
“No,” sagot niya napaangat ako nang tingin “I know pag nag kita kita tayong lahat ulit mararamdaman natin that we are no longer the same people that we used to know”
“Hindi ako papayag na hindi ka sumama sa amin next week pag nag kitata kita tayo ulit.” Sabi ko sa kanya
“I am no longer here.” Sagot nito
Napabuntong hininga ako sa narinig ko.
“I am happy na makita kayong masaya at magiging masaya and Andy masaya ako dahil na nakita kita ngaayon” sabi nito “I guess kailangan ko nang umalis” nakita mula ko sa malayo ang mga kaibigan niya palapit sa amin
“Okey fine basta next time I hope mag kita tayo nila Lexi, okey?”
Ngumiti lang ito “I hope not too soon Andy”
“I just want you to know that I really value you as my friend and I hate myself if I lose someone like you in my life.” Tumayo ako
“I was born to be your friend Andy at masaya akong nakilala ko kayo I just want you to remember Lagi lang akong nasa tabi ninyo at nakatingin sa inyo mula sa malayo” she smile at me at isang mahigpit na yakap ang binigay niya sa akin na ginantihan ko din nang yakap. She so warm, pakiramdam ko natutunaw ako hindi ko alam kung bakit ganun ang pakiramdam ko “Take care and Good Bye.” Bulong niya sa tenga ko.
“Andy…” agad na mulat ang mata ko sa isang malakas na tawag ni mommy sa labas nang pinto ko “Bumangon ka na.” bumangon ako at hindi ko napigilan ang hindi mapaluha sa aking napanaginipan. Natatandaan ko na biglang nahawi nang tingin ko ang laptop ko kaya nag madali kong binuksan ito. Pinuntahan ko ang blog site ni Zandra at isa isa kong binasa ang mga luma niyang post natigilan ako She really got hurt tulad nang sinabi niya sa panaginip ko hindi matapos ang pagbagsak nang mga luha sa mga mata ko dahil wala na akong chance bumawi kay Zandra wala na akong chance na baguhin ang lahat coz Zandra is no longer around.
“….I change for myself , who ever I am now they will always be special people in my life, whoever I will be in the future I promise myself na hindi sila mawawala sa puso ko. Hindi man kami nag kikita at nag kakasama nang madalas our memories together never failed to make me happy. They will always be a part of who I am and why I am happy….” Basa ko sa isa sa mga blog niya. “Zandra,” binulong ko sa hangin ang pangalan niya habang patuloy pa rin ang pag bagsak nang mga luha sa aking mga mata.
Writer's note..
Please forget about the words, forget about your emotions, but never forget the lesson behind this work. Thanks
“Zandra.” Masaya kong bigkas sa pangalan nang kaibigan ko, sa kaibigang pinagkakatiwalaan at kaibigang hindi ko madalas makita pero napaka lapit sa puso ko “Ikaw anong ginagawa mo dito?”
Lumapit siya sa akin at umupo sa tabi ko.
“I’m the first one to ask you Andy remember?” Nakangiti niyang sabi sa akin nang makaupo na ito sa tabi ko.
Muli ay nginitian ko siya her face is the same as before “Wala lang I just feel like being here wala kasi akong pasok tapos na miss ko tong school so ayun.” Ang sagot ko sa kanya pero hindi ko maintinhin kung bakit iyon ang sagot ko nag tataka ako kung bakit.
“Ikaw talaga.” Sabi niya “Kapag ginusto mo gagawin mo.” Ngumiti ito saka umiwas nang tingin
“Ikaw anong ginagwa mo dito?” mabilis na tanong ko
Napalingon siya sa tanong ko “Dahil dito ang nag aaral hindi ba?” sabay tapik nito sa braso ko
Napangisi ako at napakamot sa ulo “hay oo nga pala.” Sabi ko kay Zandra saka muli kong pinag masdan ang malawak na oval nang aking pinaka mamahal na alma matter.
“Mukhang wini-welcome ka dito oh.” Sabi ni Zandra sa akin “The trees are waving then the birds.” Turo nito sa akin. Nakikita ko ang mga pag galaw nang mga dahon nang mga puno at ang pag lipat nang mga ibon sa akin harapan.
I smile with amazement “oo nga noh.” I close my eyes and feel the air. Sa bawat pag hinga ko pakiramdam ko unti unting bumabalik sa akin yung mga alaala ko sa lugar na to. “It’s nice to be back.” I feel home and safe but there is a certain feeling I feel habang naka upo ako dito pakiramdam ko may mali.
“Nilipat na pala ang main gate.” Natigilan ako hindi ko alam kung paano ko nalaman hindi ko naman ito nakita.
“Yeah.” Maikling sagot niya sa akin nang hindi tumitingin
Hinayaan ko ang ganung ayos para mapagmasdan ko siya nang mabuti she look the same pero pakiramdam ko may iba sa kanya, may nag bago pero hindi ko masabi kung ano.
“Huwag mo nga akong titigan nang ganyan baka matunaw ako.” Nakangiti niyang sabi sa akin.
Natawa ako sa sinabi niya “Na miss lang kita Alexandra Gomez ”
Tumingin siya sa akin may bahid nang lungkot ang tingin niya “Talaga Andy Navarro?”
“Oo naman” sagot ko sa kanya sabay kapit sa braso ni Zandra ngumiti ito ” anyway kumain ka na ba?” tanong ko
“Let’s eat nagugutom na ako. ”
“Tara” sabi ni Zandra saka tumayo. “Basta libre mo ako.”
Nagbibiruan at nag tatawanan kami habang naglalakad tinuro niya sa akin yung bagong tayong building nang school para sa elementary. Nasabi ko sa kanya na marami na palang naging improvements ang school at sa ilang taon pa dadami pa iyon na sinang ayunan naman ni Zandra.
“Wow” ito ang nasabi ko nang makapasok ako sa canteen nang aking alma matter. Sa Canteen kung saan madalas kaming kumain at tumambay pag tumatakas sa klase “I miss this place” sabi ko kay Zandra saka ako kumuha nang tray “and yung tocino super miss ko” natatawa kong sabi
Natawa din si Zandra sa sinabi ko “hay nako ako sobrang sawana na ako dyan.”
Pero pareho kaming nang inorder na pagkain, isang rice, tocino and mixed vegetable na combo meal na daing 35 pesos 45 pesos na.
“Nag taas na sila nang price huh ang daya.” Sabi ko nang maka upo kami
“Oo nga eh.” Natatawang sabi ni Zandra sa akin.
Just like before mas marami pang oras sa kwentuhan at tawanan ang pag kain namin just like before just like what we used to do before tulad nung Highschool pa lang kami at ito ang isa sa mga bagay that I really miss na gawin kasama si Zandra no words can express how much happy I am nakasama ko ulit siyang kumakain. Pagkatapos naming kumain agad kaming bumalik sa may oval mahangin kasi doon tulad nang dati naming ginagawa pag may sobra pa kaming time.
“Hay.. ang dami na talagang nag bago” Sabi ko kay Zandra nang makaupo na ako nang maayos.
“Hindi lang naman ang school ang nag babago.” Ito ang narinig kong sabi ni Zandra.
Napakunot noo ako sa narinig. “Huh?”
“Wala.”
“Zandra!” Napalingon ako kasabay ni Zandra Siyam na nakangiting tao ang papalapit sa amin tumayo ito, pagkaraang sumulyap kay Zandra sa akin na naka tingin ang mga ito siguro sa isip nang mga ito nag tatanong kung sino ako.
“Kanina ka pa namin hinahanap” Sabi nang isa sa kanila nang huminto ang mga ito sa harap namin.”Kumain ka na?”
“Oo eh kasabay ko siya.” Sabay turo sa akin ni Zandra “Anyway Guys I want you to meet my friend Andy.”
Tumayo ako sa kinauupuan ko “Andy meet my friends” saka isa isang pinakilala sa akin ang mga friends niya.
“Hi nice to meet all” ang nakangiti kong sabi sa kanila.
Pagkaraan nag paalam na ang mga ito para kumain. “Sige kain na kayo” sabi ni Zandra saka ngumiti. Zandra wave her hand bago tuluyang kaming talikuran nang mga kaibigan niya.
“You look happy.” Naka ngiti kong sabi ko kay Zandra nang pareho na kaming nakaupo. Masaya ako dahil masaya si Zandra sa tingin ko masaya talaga si Zandra the ways she act, the ways she speak with them very comfortable habang kausap niya ang mga ito.
“May mali ba akong nasabi Zandra?” Tanong ko sa kanya nang napansin kong biglang pagkawala nang mga ngiti sa labi niya.
“Wala” umiiling niyang sagot sa akin ni Zandra saka ngumiti “Your right Andy I am happy”
I half smile “That’s good.”
Iniwas niya ang tingin saka ko narinig ang pag hinga niya nang malalim
“Is there something you want to say?” tanong ko sa kanya.
“Is there something you want to know, Andy?” Balik tanong nito sa akin.
May na sense ako na may iba pang meaning ang sinabi niyang iyon “Zandra may problema ba?”
“Kamusta na ang barkada?” tanong nito at hindi sinagot ang tanong ko.
“Okey naman sila.” Diretso kong Sagot ko sa kanya. I wonder kung ano ang iniisip nito kung ano ang gusto nitong sabihin sa akin. “Hindi ka namin madalas makita.”
Nakita ko ang pag iwas nang tingin nito sa akin saka yumuko. “kailangan eh.”
“Zandra sa tingin ko may gusto kang sabihin.” Hindi ko mapigilang sabihin pakiramdam ko kasi may gusto itong sabihin sa akin “Your acting so strange kasi”
“Kilala mo talaga ako noh?” napangiti ako sa sinabi niya pero biglang naging seryoso ang mukha nito “You know
Andy there are a lot of things that I realized since you left, that in this world the only thing that is constant is changes. Hindi man natin napapansin everything change kahit na tumigil tayo sa pag babago the world will never stop to change.”
“Anong ibig mong sabihin Zandra? ” kunot noong tanong ko sa kanya. Hindi ko maintindihan ang mga nang yayari pakiramdam ko meron akong kailangang maalala pero hindi ko alam kung ano.
“Simple lang Andy that everything in this world come and go, everything move” sabi nito “that nothing is constant in this world even friends…”
“Zandra….” Pag pigil ko sa mga susunod pa niyang sasabihin. Sa pag alis namin dito sa school ang patutunguhan nang sinasabi niya
“I know Andy” mablis niyang sabi sa akin “ I don’t have any rights to tell you na dito na lang kayo nag aral na sana mag kakasama na lang tayo dito I know that we have our own different dream to reach.”
Nakangiti nitong sabi sa akin pero kitang kita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata ni Zandra. “Alam ko yun at Naiintindihan ko yun Andy”
Tumayo si Zandra sa kinauupuan niya “Pero ang sakit eh sobrang sakit” ito ang narinig ko kay Zandra hindi ko man nakikita ang mukha nito alam ko na pinipigil nito ang umiyak. “Hindi ko alam kung ano yung gagawin ko Andy nung nawala kayo dito sa school, nang naiwan ako dito.” Lumingon siya sa akin trying to smile in front of me pinapakita niya that everything is still under her control pero sa mga mata nito kitang kita ko ang nangingilid na mga luha
“Sa bawat hakbang, sa bawat lingon ko dito sa university all I see is our happy memories at wala akong hiniling noon kung hindi sana tulad na lang nang dati ang lahat and that wish is a wish of a fool kasi kahit anong gawin ko alam ko na hindi ko na maibabalik pa ang panahong magkakasama tayo noon.”
Wala akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang titigan siya dahil ang bawat salita na lumalabas sa kanya ay parang kutsilyo na sumasaksak sa puso ko. Dahil wala akong nagawa nung panahon na nanasasaktan na pala si Zandra wala akong nagawa para tulungan yung kaibigan ko dahil akala ko everything is fine dahil sa tuwing nagkikita kami nung 1st year college kami masaya siya pero mali pala ako. Bigla akong natigilan hindi ko alam kung bakit pakiramdam ko may kailangan akong maalala at hindi ko alam kung ano iyon.
“Kaya nga pag may pagkakataon noon na makikita ko kayo pumupunta ako agad, gagawin ko yung magagawa ko para makasama ko lang kayo.” Saka tumalikod sa akin “Pero dumating ako sa point na napagod ako Andy.” Bumaba siya nang isang baiting mula sa akin saka umupo. “Minsan nag text ako kay Lexi I told her na daanan niya ako sa mall na mag kita kami kahit 5 minutes lang na hihintayin ko siya pero lumipas ang isa’t halahating oras pero wala siya hindi siya nag pakita alam ko na hindi siya darating dahil klase na niya hindi ko napigilan ang hindi maluha habang nag lalakad pauwi I felt betrayed at masakit dahil kaibigan ko siya. Yung mall a minute away lang sa sinasakyan niya maiintindihan ko naman kung hindi siya makakapunta, pwede naman siyang mag text na hindi siya makakadaan hindi ba, alam ko kasalanan ko, bakit nga ba ako nag hintay sa kanya? Pero tatlong araw ang dumaan wala akong narinig sa kanya hanggang nag kita kami sa birthday ni Max hindi ko siya kinakausap, kahit tignan pinilit kong hindi gawin. Pero parang wala lang nang yari I thing wala siyang clue o balewala lang sa kanya o hindi niya na alala ang nangyari hindi ko alam sa kanya. Kasabay ko siyang umuwi nang malapit na kaming mag hiwalay nang daan I told her na masama yung loob ko sa kanya and I guess sorry is the hardest word for her to say.”
Tinitignan ko lang siya mula sa likuran saka bigla kong na alala yung birthday ni Max pero hindi ko na pansin o maalala ang pag iwas ni Zandra kay Lexi. Ang natatandaan ko lang ay nakikipag kulitan at nakikipag usap siya sa amin noon. Yun pala may problema wala rin akong natandaang sinabi si Lexi na may problema sila ni Andy.
“Alam mo minsan kong sinubukang lumayo sa inyo hoping na hahanapin ninyo ako. No text, no phone cal,l walang friendster, walang chatting just for 3 days nag hintay ako pero kahit isang text wala akong natanggap galing sa inyo saka ko na realize na pagod na akong mag hintay na kailangan ko na nang mag move on sa pag kawala ninyo.” Lumingon siya sa aking she give me a fake smile it’s a fake dahil alam ko na hindi naman talaga siya masaya she’s trying to cover pain up nag tataka ako kung bakit kailangan pa niyang gawin yun. Pero nararamdaman ko ang nararamdaman niya ang sakit that no one reach out for her sa dami naming mag kakaibigan wala kahit isa sa amin.
“I’m sorry Zandra hindi ko alam” I told her.
“I guess I don’t need It, kasi hindi na mababago nang sorry ang lahat, hindi na mabubura nang sorry yung sakit na naramdaman ko noon…wala na tayong magagawa about it Andy dahil nang yari yun.”
Inalis niya ang tingin sa akin at hinarap ang oval “Ginawa ko ang lahat nang pwede kong gawin to move on”
“Isa ba doon ang hindi pag punta sa mga gatherings natin?” I ask her
Hindi siya nakatingin sa akin pero kalahati nang mukha ay nakikita ko. She nod “Oo.. but may mga times na totoo ang sinasabi ko pero kahit na pwede ako I try not to mingle with you”
Napalunok ako at inalis ko ang tingin sa kanya. Nasasaktan ako nung mga time na yun iniiwasan pala kami ni Zandra pero hindi ko yun na pansin. bakit?
“Umiwas ako, lumayo ako hindi para kalimutan kayo o yung mga memories natin na mag kakasama ginawa ko yun para matanggap ko sa sarili ko ang lahat nang mga nangyayari, ginawa ko yun para mahanap ang sarili ko, yung ako na nawala dahil sa sobrang lungkot at sa sakit naramdaman ko, yung ako na nawala dahil hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na mabuhay sa mundo nang kahapon.” Huminto siyang mag salita nakaramdam ako nang guilt sa mga sinabi niya nang hindi ko alam na sobra pala siyang nasasaktan at nahihirapan
“But Andy I never blame you o yung barakda for everything at never akong nag sisi na nakilala ko kayo. The only person in this world that I blame is myself because pain and hurts are the result of my own doing, result of my own decisions”
“Now I understand”tumingin ako sa kanya “Pero sana Zandra sinabi mo sa amin na nasasaktan ka, na nahihirapan ka, na kailangan mo kaming mga kaibigan mo, sana natulungan ka namin.”
“Kung sinabi ko sayo inyo? sayo Andy ano ang gagawin mo?”
Natigilan ako dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot sa kanya
She half smile “That’s good na hindi ka na lang sumagot mabuti na yun kesa nag sinungaling ka.” Sabi ni
Zandra “ Hindi ko sinabi sa inyo kasi hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabin at iniisip ko kung ano yung magiging reaction ninyo. But I try to tell you sa mga ilang group message ko sa inyo ang ilan dun merong ibang meaning hindi man direkta pero umasa ako na maiintindihan ninyo kung ano ibig sabihin nang mga text ko and also I have my blog right naka sulat lahat doon. ”
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman kasi hindi ko nakita yung dapat kong nakita noon, kaibigan ba talaga ako nang taong nasa harapan ko? Kasi bilang kaibigan niya dapat alam ko na kailangan niya ang tulong ko kahit hindi niya sabihin, hindi ako naging sensitive sa needs niya sa panahon na kailangan niya nang isang kaibigan. Hindi ako naging isang mabuting kaibigan sa tao na naging mabuting kaibigan sa akin she helped me a lot of times, I can always count on her, she can always makes me happy makes me feel that I am special that I am important. I am a failure as a friend kaya hindi ko alam ang dapat gawin I can’t blame her sa pag layo sa amin I really think it’s reasonable enough to ease the pain na naramdaman niya.
“Ngayon Zandra Can I ask how are you?” Nagawa kong itanong sa kanya nang diretso tumayo ako at lumapit sa kanya. Pero natatakot ako, natatakot na masaya siya na wala na kami sa buhay niya. Zandra is a good person, a valued friend and to lose a friend like her isang malaking kawalan para sa akin. How I wish I turn back time para tulungan siya to cope up pero alam ko na hindi mang yayari yun.
“Just like what I told you kanina Andy I am happy.” Naging diretso rin niyang sagot sa akin and it hurts kanina nang sinabi niya iyon baliwala lang sa akin pero ngayon matapos kong marinig ang lahat I feel threaten and envy. Umupo ako na may distansya sa kanya “Alam mo we can just really appreciate the true meaning of happiness kapag minsan sa buhay natin nasaktan tayo.” Napalingon ako sa sinabi niya and she’s trying to smile isang bagay na hindi ko kayang gawin lalo na ngayon.
Mabigat sa dibdib ko ang ulitin ang sinabi niya “Masaya ka.” Sinabi ko na nakatingin sa mga mata niya “Masaya ka dahil sa mga bagong friends mo.”
“They are part of my happiness, Andy” umpisa niya “I am happy now kasi na tanggap ko na ang lahat and I moved on. I know that I made a lot of mistake and I made a wrong decision but everything is in the past now what matter most for me is the present, now that I am happy”
“Zandra, I am really glad to know that you are happy at nalagpasan mo ang lahat but it really hurts me to know that you got hurt because of us, na wala kami sa tabi mo nang kailangan mo kami at ang mas masakit now I know you’re happy even without us.”
“I’ve been stronger person now, a much better person because of the things na pinagdaanan ko.” Lumapit siya sa tabi ko “And if would be given a second chance in life gagawin ko parin ang ginawa ko. I love you at ang buong barkada I just had let you go because I had accepted the fact that your no longer around me, that you are not mine to be kept, that I don’t own you, that all I have to do for you is that hayaan gayong gawin ang gusto ninyong gawin at ako I’ll just watch you from a far.”
Tumayo si Zandra at humarap sa akin pero nakayuko ako
“Andy this is me now, I change not just because I got hurt or whatever, I change for myself Andy, who ever I am now you guys will always be a special people in my life, whoever I will be in the future I promise you na hindi kayo mawawala sa puso ko. Hindi man tayo mag kikita at nag kakasama you guys never failed to make me happy. You are still part of who I am and why I am happy.”
“Are you ready to see us all?” tanong ko
“No,” sagot niya napaangat ako nang tingin “I know pag nag kita kita tayong lahat ulit mararamdaman natin that we are no longer the same people that we used to know”
“Hindi ako papayag na hindi ka sumama sa amin next week pag nag kitata kita tayo ulit.” Sabi ko sa kanya
“I am no longer here.” Sagot nito
Napabuntong hininga ako sa narinig ko.
“I am happy na makita kayong masaya at magiging masaya and Andy masaya ako dahil na nakita kita ngaayon” sabi nito “I guess kailangan ko nang umalis” nakita mula ko sa malayo ang mga kaibigan niya palapit sa amin
“Okey fine basta next time I hope mag kita tayo nila Lexi, okey?”
Ngumiti lang ito “I hope not too soon Andy”
“I just want you to know that I really value you as my friend and I hate myself if I lose someone like you in my life.” Tumayo ako
“I was born to be your friend Andy at masaya akong nakilala ko kayo I just want you to remember Lagi lang akong nasa tabi ninyo at nakatingin sa inyo mula sa malayo” she smile at me at isang mahigpit na yakap ang binigay niya sa akin na ginantihan ko din nang yakap. She so warm, pakiramdam ko natutunaw ako hindi ko alam kung bakit ganun ang pakiramdam ko “Take care and Good Bye.” Bulong niya sa tenga ko.
“Andy…” agad na mulat ang mata ko sa isang malakas na tawag ni mommy sa labas nang pinto ko “Bumangon ka na.” bumangon ako at hindi ko napigilan ang hindi mapaluha sa aking napanaginipan. Natatandaan ko na biglang nahawi nang tingin ko ang laptop ko kaya nag madali kong binuksan ito. Pinuntahan ko ang blog site ni Zandra at isa isa kong binasa ang mga luma niyang post natigilan ako She really got hurt tulad nang sinabi niya sa panaginip ko hindi matapos ang pagbagsak nang mga luha sa mga mata ko dahil wala na akong chance bumawi kay Zandra wala na akong chance na baguhin ang lahat coz Zandra is no longer around.
“….I change for myself , who ever I am now they will always be special people in my life, whoever I will be in the future I promise myself na hindi sila mawawala sa puso ko. Hindi man kami nag kikita at nag kakasama nang madalas our memories together never failed to make me happy. They will always be a part of who I am and why I am happy….” Basa ko sa isa sa mga blog niya. “Zandra,” binulong ko sa hangin ang pangalan niya habang patuloy pa rin ang pag bagsak nang mga luha sa aking mga mata.
Writer's note..
Please forget about the words, forget about your emotions, but never forget the lesson behind this work. Thanks
Monday, April 4, 2011
Journey
Journey
Our Professor asked us to write a short story.. so this is my work.. :D
I had a life that I love, a life with the people who make it a rollercoaster one. Who makes me feel contented, perfect, and fulfilled. This is the kind of life that I wanted for the rest of my life. But things changed inevitably, life is like a road and we came across a path of crossroad no way to go but to take step, we need to walk on our own different way. Indeed they take their step away and I was left alone, in the very same place gazing upon them.
“Why?” that was a question that came into me, are they not happy with me. A perfect life that I love became my greatest nightmare. Tears falls from my eyes as I look back hoping that everything was just a dream but it was real, it was reality. They were all gone.
“You’re a fool” she said “You spend too much time here, take a step and move on. Don’t let the past barge into your present life”
I frown and said “This makes me happy.” For so long I stay in this crossroad reminiscing the time, hoping everything will be the same that I will be with them again. Remembering them makes me forget about pain and makes me forget that they were all gone. I surround myself with their memories this makes me happy, this is what I thought makes me happy.
“Happy?” she question “Is this really makes you happy? You torture yourself waiting for something that will never happen again” She looked at me with pity and slowly disappear.
I put down the mirror and asked “Do I make a wrong choice?” But I don’t know the answer all I know is that this is my own decision and no one ask me for this.
I knew it already end, but I insist on staying longer in this crossroad more than the necessary time, I lose the happiness and I lose the things I supposed to go through. I failed to take chances, I failed to accept changes and I did not grab the challenge that offered to me. I don’t know where I got the courage to take a step or I don’t even know if it is really a courage that I can call but whatever it is, I know it helps me a lot. As I move forward trying to let go things, trying to forget the pain, trying to forget the things that crash my heart, my life change as if the whole universe turns differently.
I waited, just like waiting for Lazarus rise from the dead for the third time, how fool I am. Shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters most is that I have to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished but this is something that I didn’t do. I live my life behind and because of this I forgot about what really life is all about and that there is some place waiting for me to explore something that I failed to take because of my foolishness. Though it’s hard to leave everything behind but this is something I need to be done because I need to heal the pain rooted in my heart, to live again just like before, and to dream once again because I know there is something out there for me something I need to reach.
Little by little I got a chance to see life more clearly and see how fool I am to live my life from the past, past that I can no longer have. I was in a wrong path I know, I am, but still I’m happy that I got a chance to see it, to find it out though it takes me a long time. So I must put a closure, an ending to my past life for me to start a new and exciting chapter of my life.
“You cannot come in.” The old man said at the entrance of the gate and I ask why.
“Because I don’t want too.”
My mind tells me he say it for the pleasure of saying it. I frown but I try to explain that I travel so far to reach it. I try to be nice at him hoping for mercy but I receive nothing.
I look back, I see road that starts to fade, I look at him and I feel like I’m giving up because he does not want me to come in.“No!” she said “just try one last time” then I did.
I stand up straight, look at him there is only one way left. I need to force him to let me enter and so I did. I move forward to the gate and in my amazement he just look at me and do nothing to stop me to enter. I take last glance at him before I leave then I see two other people arrive and they too walk in. The man does not even try to stop them like he did to me. I smile as I move on and realize that sometimes we need fight over for things that we want and we need to persist so that we can have the goal that we want.
I move forward carrying the scars from the past trying to be who I am and not being who I was. I don’t know where life will take me but all I know is that I will always have those scars in me and I accept that it will be forever.
“Hi,” voice I heard a voice from behind. I stop and look he smile and say Hi. “I guess pareho tayo nang daanan. Can we walk together?”
“I don’t know him. Why should I?” I told myself and look at him.
“Please.” He smile at me
Even I don’t want him too because I want to be alone, I need to have my own time but still I let him because I don’t want to be called rude and because I feel something for him that I can’t describe.
“Wait! Wait!” he said as we walk on our way. I stop, trying to look irritated in front of him.
“Can you hold Chicky for me?” he ask. He was holding a newly born chicken.
I have no choice but to hold it which immediately tried to escape. The more I try to squeeze it in my hands, the more the chicken struggled.
“You scare her,” I quickly look at him and he was smiling at me. “Hold her gently” I obeyed him. I opened my hands and the chicken stopped on struggling.
“You know what they were also like us humans” he slowly get the chicken from my hand “the more you try to hold them the harder they try to escape but if you are good to them sila pa mismo ang lalapit sayo and of course they will stay beside you and never leave you .” I make a glance at him and it was the first time I stare at him and the very first time my heart start to beat so fast.
“May dumi ba ako sa mukha?” he ask
“Wala” I immediately said then look another direction. I don’t know what was his next expression I never have guts to look at him after he caught me. I smile as I walk.
He makes me feel comfortable through our journey together he was so easy to be with and easy to laugh with. I feel like I know him for so long but I can’t recognize him no matter how I try to remember.
“You look so tough but actually you’re not.” I heard him say
I look at him and smile then go on I’m trying not to mind him but I start to be alarmed “What did he mean about that?” I ask my mind.
“You have to tell them how you feel, how much you got hurt, they have to know you’re tired, you have to show them you cry.”
“Stop saying none sense.” I said. I start to feel irritable.
“None sense?” he mock “Why do you keep it all within you? Why?”
I hate his question and I don’t want to answer his question, no one ask me that kind of question not even my closes friends, not even my family.
“How this stranger asked me this kind of question? A kind of question I don’t know to answer.” I told myself.
“Why do you need open this one? Sino ka ba? You’re just a stranger in my life” I told him
“Yes you’re right I’m a stranger in you. But for me you are my companion, my friend.”
I sarcastically smile and turn my back at him I’m ready to leave but he hold my hand
“I want to know why.” he told me looking straight to my eyes.
“Gusto mong malaman yung totoo?”
He nod
“Because I don’t want them to know my weakness, because I don’t want them to know that I’m hurt and how they can hurt me. I don’t what them to know anything!” feelings are just like a volcano bursting from my heart for so long this thing are kept deep in my mind and in my heart but I finally turn them into sounds. “Now you know. Are you satisfied?”
“It’s not wrong to show your emotion especially those things that you need too.”
“But for me it was so damn wrong!”
“You know what because of that your family, your friends they will never know how they will help you, they will never know that you need help maybe if they do they will just watch you coz they thought you can handle it, because they thought your strong enough to handle everything”
I was stun as I look at him. There were a lot of crucial moments that I was alone I have nothing but myself I thought that was right but as I look at him and what I heard from him I realize I was wrong. I was so damn wrong.
“You have to tell them what is inside of you, your true feelings for you to receive what you deserve.”
Tears start to fall unknowingly he smile at me and embrace me, I feel weak but protected in his arms. It’s nice to know that there is someone out there for you, someone who knows you and someone you feel safe. Every person in our life first becomes nobody before they become important people in our life.
“Thank you” I told him as I embrace back. But suddenly I remember one thing, I’m been with him for quite some time but I still don’t even know his name.
“Who are you?” I ask after he released me from his embrace.
He smile at me and said “Soon you’ll know who I am…soon” then he slowly disappear.
I look for him but I find no trace of him
“Don’t feel bad for something that needs to go” I voice I hear just like wind that blows into my ear “You still have long journey to take and we will see each other then.”
In our life we meet people that we want to be with us those who makes us happy, makes us laugh, and make us feel love and loved those are the people we want to spend the rest of our life that is why we are afraid to lose them and we try to hold them keep them around us but something that we failed to understands is that the more we try to keep them around the harder they will try to escape. They have their own life to live. There life will not only revolve around us and so we are. We never know what will lie ahead we just have to prepare our self what will happen next, if they leave hope you’ll see each other and if they will not then be contented for the life you share for now.
I sit down and wonder now. Again I am alone in this road and I ask myself what if I choose another path If I choose another way.
“The most useless thing in this world is to sit down and wonder what might happen if you choose another path.” I heard a familiar voice. I look back to see who it was. It was the old man that I saw on entrance. “You learn your lesson do not repeat the same mistakes again” He smile at me and start to walk again.
As I move forward in this road of life I realize that everything in this world move as well that nothing stay the same, changes is always in the corners. This road that I am taking now is the road that will lead me to my destine place, I place where I wanted to be, I place I dream of, a place where I belong.
But I don’t what to think about the future because for now I am happy and contented walking in this road. Meeting different People and I am with the people that make me happy makes me laugh and make me feel that life have its second chance.
My past, something that I love and always love they were a part of me that I can never bring back and I can no longer have and in my heart I accept wholeheartedly that it was gone, forever. But I am hopeful that someday I can walk again with the people of my past. To be with them again and make a new and wonderful memories to be remember.
The wind blows and I remember him, I feel the air that touches my skin as if it was holding me.
“I hope to meet you again soon.” I whisper it to the air. The wind strikes again as if he answer “Me too”
“Hey come on!” voices call me.
I smile as I turn my head to look at them. “I’m no longer alone” I told myself. I never been alone I just failed to recognize it before because of all those pains. My eyes are open for now and see things clearly.
I raise my right hand and said wait
I look back again to my previous road. Looking at it makes me realize how lucky I am for all the things that I get through, the pains, the hurts, the tears, the joy, the laughter, the learning’s, realization and experience that I gain in my journey, This is something that I am very sure that no one can take away from me.
“Thank you…and Goodbye” I said as I look at it.
I smile as I turn my back at my previous road and I see the sun that shine and smiling at me. There is another road I need to take, another crossroad but the difference from before now I am ready, without fear or hesitation, I am ready to face another road, another life, another hardship, I am ready to face the changes and challenges that life will offer me. I am ready because I am not alone I am with myself, with me is all the things that I learn and because I am with the people who believe in me. I am no longer afraid to face this crossroad I am willing to take this without apprehension coz this time around I have them and I have you.
Our Professor asked us to write a short story.. so this is my work.. :D
I had a life that I love, a life with the people who make it a rollercoaster one. Who makes me feel contented, perfect, and fulfilled. This is the kind of life that I wanted for the rest of my life. But things changed inevitably, life is like a road and we came across a path of crossroad no way to go but to take step, we need to walk on our own different way. Indeed they take their step away and I was left alone, in the very same place gazing upon them.
“Why?” that was a question that came into me, are they not happy with me. A perfect life that I love became my greatest nightmare. Tears falls from my eyes as I look back hoping that everything was just a dream but it was real, it was reality. They were all gone.
“You’re a fool” she said “You spend too much time here, take a step and move on. Don’t let the past barge into your present life”
I frown and said “This makes me happy.” For so long I stay in this crossroad reminiscing the time, hoping everything will be the same that I will be with them again. Remembering them makes me forget about pain and makes me forget that they were all gone. I surround myself with their memories this makes me happy, this is what I thought makes me happy.
“Happy?” she question “Is this really makes you happy? You torture yourself waiting for something that will never happen again” She looked at me with pity and slowly disappear.
I put down the mirror and asked “Do I make a wrong choice?” But I don’t know the answer all I know is that this is my own decision and no one ask me for this.
I knew it already end, but I insist on staying longer in this crossroad more than the necessary time, I lose the happiness and I lose the things I supposed to go through. I failed to take chances, I failed to accept changes and I did not grab the challenge that offered to me. I don’t know where I got the courage to take a step or I don’t even know if it is really a courage that I can call but whatever it is, I know it helps me a lot. As I move forward trying to let go things, trying to forget the pain, trying to forget the things that crash my heart, my life change as if the whole universe turns differently.
I waited, just like waiting for Lazarus rise from the dead for the third time, how fool I am. Shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters most is that I have to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished but this is something that I didn’t do. I live my life behind and because of this I forgot about what really life is all about and that there is some place waiting for me to explore something that I failed to take because of my foolishness. Though it’s hard to leave everything behind but this is something I need to be done because I need to heal the pain rooted in my heart, to live again just like before, and to dream once again because I know there is something out there for me something I need to reach.
Little by little I got a chance to see life more clearly and see how fool I am to live my life from the past, past that I can no longer have. I was in a wrong path I know, I am, but still I’m happy that I got a chance to see it, to find it out though it takes me a long time. So I must put a closure, an ending to my past life for me to start a new and exciting chapter of my life.
“You cannot come in.” The old man said at the entrance of the gate and I ask why.
“Because I don’t want too.”
My mind tells me he say it for the pleasure of saying it. I frown but I try to explain that I travel so far to reach it. I try to be nice at him hoping for mercy but I receive nothing.
I look back, I see road that starts to fade, I look at him and I feel like I’m giving up because he does not want me to come in.“No!” she said “just try one last time” then I did.
I stand up straight, look at him there is only one way left. I need to force him to let me enter and so I did. I move forward to the gate and in my amazement he just look at me and do nothing to stop me to enter. I take last glance at him before I leave then I see two other people arrive and they too walk in. The man does not even try to stop them like he did to me. I smile as I move on and realize that sometimes we need fight over for things that we want and we need to persist so that we can have the goal that we want.
I move forward carrying the scars from the past trying to be who I am and not being who I was. I don’t know where life will take me but all I know is that I will always have those scars in me and I accept that it will be forever.
“Hi,” voice I heard a voice from behind. I stop and look he smile and say Hi. “I guess pareho tayo nang daanan. Can we walk together?”
“I don’t know him. Why should I?” I told myself and look at him.
“Please.” He smile at me
Even I don’t want him too because I want to be alone, I need to have my own time but still I let him because I don’t want to be called rude and because I feel something for him that I can’t describe.
“Wait! Wait!” he said as we walk on our way. I stop, trying to look irritated in front of him.
“Can you hold Chicky for me?” he ask. He was holding a newly born chicken.
I have no choice but to hold it which immediately tried to escape. The more I try to squeeze it in my hands, the more the chicken struggled.
“You scare her,” I quickly look at him and he was smiling at me. “Hold her gently” I obeyed him. I opened my hands and the chicken stopped on struggling.
“You know what they were also like us humans” he slowly get the chicken from my hand “the more you try to hold them the harder they try to escape but if you are good to them sila pa mismo ang lalapit sayo and of course they will stay beside you and never leave you .” I make a glance at him and it was the first time I stare at him and the very first time my heart start to beat so fast.
“May dumi ba ako sa mukha?” he ask
“Wala” I immediately said then look another direction. I don’t know what was his next expression I never have guts to look at him after he caught me. I smile as I walk.
He makes me feel comfortable through our journey together he was so easy to be with and easy to laugh with. I feel like I know him for so long but I can’t recognize him no matter how I try to remember.
“You look so tough but actually you’re not.” I heard him say
I look at him and smile then go on I’m trying not to mind him but I start to be alarmed “What did he mean about that?” I ask my mind.
“You have to tell them how you feel, how much you got hurt, they have to know you’re tired, you have to show them you cry.”
“Stop saying none sense.” I said. I start to feel irritable.
“None sense?” he mock “Why do you keep it all within you? Why?”
I hate his question and I don’t want to answer his question, no one ask me that kind of question not even my closes friends, not even my family.
“How this stranger asked me this kind of question? A kind of question I don’t know to answer.” I told myself.
“Why do you need open this one? Sino ka ba? You’re just a stranger in my life” I told him
“Yes you’re right I’m a stranger in you. But for me you are my companion, my friend.”
I sarcastically smile and turn my back at him I’m ready to leave but he hold my hand
“I want to know why.” he told me looking straight to my eyes.
“Gusto mong malaman yung totoo?”
He nod
“Because I don’t want them to know my weakness, because I don’t want them to know that I’m hurt and how they can hurt me. I don’t what them to know anything!” feelings are just like a volcano bursting from my heart for so long this thing are kept deep in my mind and in my heart but I finally turn them into sounds. “Now you know. Are you satisfied?”
“It’s not wrong to show your emotion especially those things that you need too.”
“But for me it was so damn wrong!”
“You know what because of that your family, your friends they will never know how they will help you, they will never know that you need help maybe if they do they will just watch you coz they thought you can handle it, because they thought your strong enough to handle everything”
I was stun as I look at him. There were a lot of crucial moments that I was alone I have nothing but myself I thought that was right but as I look at him and what I heard from him I realize I was wrong. I was so damn wrong.
“You have to tell them what is inside of you, your true feelings for you to receive what you deserve.”
Tears start to fall unknowingly he smile at me and embrace me, I feel weak but protected in his arms. It’s nice to know that there is someone out there for you, someone who knows you and someone you feel safe. Every person in our life first becomes nobody before they become important people in our life.
“Thank you” I told him as I embrace back. But suddenly I remember one thing, I’m been with him for quite some time but I still don’t even know his name.
“Who are you?” I ask after he released me from his embrace.
He smile at me and said “Soon you’ll know who I am…soon” then he slowly disappear.
I look for him but I find no trace of him
“Don’t feel bad for something that needs to go” I voice I hear just like wind that blows into my ear “You still have long journey to take and we will see each other then.”
In our life we meet people that we want to be with us those who makes us happy, makes us laugh, and make us feel love and loved those are the people we want to spend the rest of our life that is why we are afraid to lose them and we try to hold them keep them around us but something that we failed to understands is that the more we try to keep them around the harder they will try to escape. They have their own life to live. There life will not only revolve around us and so we are. We never know what will lie ahead we just have to prepare our self what will happen next, if they leave hope you’ll see each other and if they will not then be contented for the life you share for now.
I sit down and wonder now. Again I am alone in this road and I ask myself what if I choose another path If I choose another way.
“The most useless thing in this world is to sit down and wonder what might happen if you choose another path.” I heard a familiar voice. I look back to see who it was. It was the old man that I saw on entrance. “You learn your lesson do not repeat the same mistakes again” He smile at me and start to walk again.
As I move forward in this road of life I realize that everything in this world move as well that nothing stay the same, changes is always in the corners. This road that I am taking now is the road that will lead me to my destine place, I place where I wanted to be, I place I dream of, a place where I belong.
But I don’t what to think about the future because for now I am happy and contented walking in this road. Meeting different People and I am with the people that make me happy makes me laugh and make me feel that life have its second chance.
My past, something that I love and always love they were a part of me that I can never bring back and I can no longer have and in my heart I accept wholeheartedly that it was gone, forever. But I am hopeful that someday I can walk again with the people of my past. To be with them again and make a new and wonderful memories to be remember.
The wind blows and I remember him, I feel the air that touches my skin as if it was holding me.
“I hope to meet you again soon.” I whisper it to the air. The wind strikes again as if he answer “Me too”
“Hey come on!” voices call me.
I smile as I turn my head to look at them. “I’m no longer alone” I told myself. I never been alone I just failed to recognize it before because of all those pains. My eyes are open for now and see things clearly.
I raise my right hand and said wait
I look back again to my previous road. Looking at it makes me realize how lucky I am for all the things that I get through, the pains, the hurts, the tears, the joy, the laughter, the learning’s, realization and experience that I gain in my journey, This is something that I am very sure that no one can take away from me.
“Thank you…and Goodbye” I said as I look at it.
I smile as I turn my back at my previous road and I see the sun that shine and smiling at me. There is another road I need to take, another crossroad but the difference from before now I am ready, without fear or hesitation, I am ready to face another road, another life, another hardship, I am ready to face the changes and challenges that life will offer me. I am ready because I am not alone I am with myself, with me is all the things that I learn and because I am with the people who believe in me. I am no longer afraid to face this crossroad I am willing to take this without apprehension coz this time around I have them and I have you.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
March 16, 2011
Here I am nasa position ako na naguguluhan ako sa dapat kong gawin.. Pero bakit.. this is my chance to show the world how good I am.. how brave I am...kung gaano ko kakayanin na tumayo mapara sa maraming tao.. Pero bakit nga ba ako naguguluhan... Hindi na ako pwedeng mag isip.. wala na akong oras para mag isip.. I am near the dead end.. Kelangan na nang desisyon.. Ano ang dapat kong gawin.. Can somebody help me? Ewan ko ba.. Masyadong mabigat ang responsibilidad na maaring kong pasanin.. Kaya ko ba?? Magagawa ko ba yun nang tama..
Should I let people decide? Yes? No?
Oh my.. what ever happens tatanggapin ko lahat..tatanggapin ko ito nang buo..
Should I let people decide? Yes? No?
Oh my.. what ever happens tatanggapin ko lahat..tatanggapin ko ito nang buo..
Thursday, March 10, 2011
La Salle Araneta
La Salle Araneta
Every Passing Day of Life
There is a place I knew so much
Even if I close my eyes
I can see its image in the dark
How can I forget the place?
Were I stay here in 12 years
Add more years before I leave
15 years before marching
The Trees that dance in the air
And birds that humming everyday
The wide green field I see
This place really amaze me
In my ears forever I will hear
Singing the areneta hymn
Even the alma mater hymn
Hail hail my beloved university
Every Passing Day of Life
There is a place I knew so much
Even if I close my eyes
I can see its image in the dark
How can I forget the place?
Were I stay here in 12 years
Add more years before I leave
15 years before marching
The Trees that dance in the air
And birds that humming everyday
The wide green field I see
This place really amaze me
In my ears forever I will hear
Singing the areneta hymn
Even the alma mater hymn
Hail hail my beloved university
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
My Own Work
My own work
I can write my own poem
Something I can call my own
Something I can be proud of
A work that can whisper my soul
In years my lips are sealed
That my heart aches in fear
In this poem I will reveal
What Dwells within.
What Dwells within?
No one knows but me
How pain consumes me
Even my friends can’t see
Years already passed
But it’s so clear in my heart
How pain turns me
Into someone I’m not
My heart crash once
Picking up is hard
But it also helped me
How to smile back
Now you have my poem
That whispers my own soul
Now I can say I’m proud
That this is my own work
I can write my own poem
Something I can call my own
Something I can be proud of
A work that can whisper my soul
In years my lips are sealed
That my heart aches in fear
In this poem I will reveal
What Dwells within.
What Dwells within?
No one knows but me
How pain consumes me
Even my friends can’t see
Years already passed
But it’s so clear in my heart
How pain turns me
Into someone I’m not
My heart crash once
Picking up is hard
But it also helped me
How to smile back
Now you have my poem
That whispers my own soul
Now I can say I’m proud
That this is my own work
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Play
Kanina lang ay nanood ako nang play.. At habang naka upo ako kasama nang ilang college friends ko at nanonood hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili na ma alala ang mga panahon noong high school ako.. tuwing may play feast...Mga panahon na gumagawa ako nang sound effects.. yung time na nag pra-practice sila para sa play.At Habang naka upo at nanonood I can't help but to compare.. Yes magaling ang mga umaarte pero hindi ko mapigilan na icompara sila sa play na nagawa naming mga HIghschool noon.. Habang nanonood kasi ako sa tingin ko mas marami pang magagaling na play akong na panood noong highschool kesa sa napanood ko.. Sa Last part nang play habang kinakasal yung taong mahal niya na para siyang nababaliw meron akong biglang naalala yung part nung play namin nung 4th year... yung 1st transformation ni Dr. Jekyll... Kahit na ilang beses ko na nakita yung sa practice kinilabutan ako nung napanood ko na yun on stage .. at para sa akin one of the outstanding performance yun parang gusto kong mag tatalon noon.. Hindi lang ako ang nakaramdam noon kung hindi lahat nang naroroon.. napa tayo pa nga ang principal namin noon at pumapalakpak.. kita ko iyon dahil nasa likod ako doing my job as musical diirector..Pero yung dun sa babae wala akong maramdaman, kulang.. But then alam ko na may igagaling pa sila.. Habang na nonood din tinanong ko ang sarili ko kung kelan kaya ulit ako makakasama sa ganung production..kelan kaya ulit ang play.. kelan kaya ulit ako gagawa nanang mga sound effects.. Kelan kaya.. Ang Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde na ba ang huli.. haist...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Un-expected blog
Yeah unexpected blog.. hindi ko naman kasing plinano na mag sulat ngayon o mamaya o bukas sa dami nang ginagawa... Pero nang makita ko ang picture ko noong Highschool bigla akong nag karoon nang gusto na mag sulat.. Wala lang nakakatuwa lang... Kung paano na ibabalik nang mga picture ang mga alaala na unti unti nang nawawala sa isip ko... Kung paano rin na ibabalik nito ang mga masasayang alaala, mga tawanan, mga kalokohang di paawat at mga alaalang nag hubog sa akin upang maging sino ako ngayon..
Nakaktuwa... dahil sa dami nang mga ginagwa ko... nakakimutan ko na ang ilan.. But thanks to those picture unti unti ko nanaman naaalala ang lahat.. Ma Mimiss ko nanaman ang lahat.. muli nanaman akong hihiling sa langit na sana makita ko na ulit ang mga taong sobrang importante sa buhay ko.. mga tao na nag sisilbing kasiyahan ko.. yun bang makasama at makita ko lang sila masaya na ako... Pero kailangan mang yari ang lahat.. kailangan mag kalayo layo.. para masubok kung gaano ka tatag ang samahan, kung sino ang may mahinang paniniwala... Alam kong darating oras na muli kaming mag kikita.. alam ko darating yun.. Pero sa ngayon.. Kelangan lang munang ayusin ang mga bagay bagay sa sarili namin para pag nag kita kita kami mas magiging masaya.. dahil maraming kwento... :D
Nakaktuwa... dahil sa dami nang mga ginagwa ko... nakakimutan ko na ang ilan.. But thanks to those picture unti unti ko nanaman naaalala ang lahat.. Ma Mimiss ko nanaman ang lahat.. muli nanaman akong hihiling sa langit na sana makita ko na ulit ang mga taong sobrang importante sa buhay ko.. mga tao na nag sisilbing kasiyahan ko.. yun bang makasama at makita ko lang sila masaya na ako... Pero kailangan mang yari ang lahat.. kailangan mag kalayo layo.. para masubok kung gaano ka tatag ang samahan, kung sino ang may mahinang paniniwala... Alam kong darating oras na muli kaming mag kikita.. alam ko darating yun.. Pero sa ngayon.. Kelangan lang munang ayusin ang mga bagay bagay sa sarili namin para pag nag kita kita kami mas magiging masaya.. dahil maraming kwento... :D
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