Be myself Again

I feel so lost.

I don’t when this all begun - just feel like nothing is making sense at all. The feeling of fears, frustration, and anxiety are all blending in one. I don’t know why and I can’t even explain why. One day, I wake up in the morning I just suddenly feel tired and drain.

I used to know everything. I used to have all an explanation in everything that I do and feel. I used to acknowledge all the feelings that I have within myself. I am so sure about myself. But suddenly I feel like my world is falling in a deep chaos and I don’t know what to do. I am no longer sure of anything anymore.

I lost the confidence I filled myself. I used to believe that I can achieve anything and everything. I used to think that I can walk straight to the top. That no one can ever stop me achieving what I want in life. But I don’t know what happened. I lost it all. I lost myself.

Now, I don’t know where to go. I don’t know which path I need to take. I’m losing my way and  I hopelessly hoping to find my way back.

To find myself and be myself again. 

Midnight thought

At 12 midnight while eating my sandwich bigla akong napatingin sa wall and it has a remnant of our old house. I smile and close my eyes while trying to remember how our house look like. I remember kung gaano kaingay at kagulo ang bahay. I tried to remember kung ano yung itsura ng bahay nung bata pa ako.  Luckily, there is a picture that flash in my mind.  Nakakatawa, kasi feeling ko noon sobrang laki ng bahay.  Natatandaan ko pa kung gaano ka laki ang kitchen noon.  I remember the old sala na kahoy pa ang sahig.  Well,  kahoy naman talaga ang sahig noon.  Yung magagalit sila mommy kasi nag tatakbuhan kami at maingay sa bababa.  Then,  nirenovate yung bahay nag karoon ng 3rd floor at inayos ang kwarto. Nakakatawa na parang hotel room ang bahay sa dami ng pinto. I remember how this house used to be home for me. But as years past, things changed.  The house was renovated again but my home did not survive. Unti unting naging tahimik ang maingay at magulong bahay. The warm feeling i used to felt in this house became cold. People started to leave and change. People start to make their own choice. This place starting send a foreign feeling i couldn't explain.  But there is one thing for sure this place is no longer the same.  It never feel the same. 

I look around me and sadly smile. My home turns to be house. Its empty, cold and lonely and i have nothing to do but to accept the tragedy that this is no longer my home.

Dear Me

Dear Me,

You will go through some times when you want to give up. You’ll get tired being optimistic and you will wonder how it feels like to be pessimist. There will be time when you will start questioning things. You will get frustrated because you can’t find answers to your questions. There will be moments when you will feel drain from all your responsibilities.  You will get exhausted standing on your ground and prove your critics and naysayers wrong. There will be time when you will lose some of your friends because of your decisions and beliefs. You will go through dark times and you will find yourself wiping all night. 

But it will all pass. Everything will eventually be okay. Do not lose hope. Be strong. Just keep going no matter what will happen. You will eventually see light at the end the darkness. Just keep walking.

Along the way you will find answers to your questions. One day, you will find reason why things happened. Listen to all the things they say but do not let it affect you. Do not let it break you because you are wonderful person. Be the change but do not let the world change you to be someone you are not. Be proud and remember that there are people who love you unconditionally without doubts and second thoughts.

Someday, you will understand but not now not today. So be happy, because you deserve to be. You are worth all the happiness in this world. 

Perfectly Projected

I always want to play the role of a strong individual person. I always want to be the tough and rough one. I always want to be the person who can do everything with perfection.  That Failure and rejection are the least thing that I can accommodate. 

I always choose to be on the go. I always want to be the person that people can count on. I want to be the person that can wipe their tears away. I always want to be their shoulder to cry on. I always want to be the person who help.

But what if, i am no longer strong? What if i became weak? what if, i am no longer be the kind of person they think i am?  What if, i can no longer help? 

Will there still be someone who will choose to be with me?

People only see want I want them to see. I put a thick line between what I want them to know and what i truly know. I created a perfect image of myself. Strong, achiever, confident and intimidating persona. They only see the mask of perfection i always put on. But behind those mask, lie a different story. The truth, genuine and the different me.

I hide all the miseries and failures. I healed my own pain, guarded my own heart, laughing out my sadness and fears. Crying out alone because of my broken dreams. I fully understood, that no one will understand because this world are full of hypocrite, self-centered and judgmental. So i choose to pretend and hide my true self.

I hide the moments i feel so lost and I need someone to show me the way. The moments I cry and i need someone to wipe those tears away. When Im hurt and i need someone to help me heal the pain. When Im confuse and i need someone to help me figure things out. when My mind is clouded by doubt and uncertainties and i need someone to hold the torch of light so i can keep on going. 

But what if I can no longer hide the truth? What if i get too tired of pretending? What if i start saying no? What if i start saying I can't ?  What if I can no longer be the person that they used to know? What if I will completely open myself to them? What if they find out how broken I am inside?  What if i start choosing myself first before them? 

Will there be someone who will accept me? Will there be someone who will stay with me? Or will I be let go because i can no longer play the heroine who can do everything?

Those questions hunt me like a prey. Those what ifs are like guns ready to kill. But I choose to push those questions at the back of my head and keep it to the darkest part of my being. Because i don't have the courage to reveal what is behind my facade. I do not have the guts to answers their whys. I cannot face rejection from other people. I am terrified to hear their answers.

So I put everything behind my perfected projection. I conceal my true self at the shadow of my perfect image. But i cannot hide the truth from myself, I cannot hide what i truly feel, I cannot escape from what i really need and i cant hide who truly i am.

Daraga Church: History and the view of Mayon Volcano

The Daraga Church, also known as Our Lady of the Gate Parish Church or the church of Nuestra Senora de la Porteria is situated on the top of the Sta. Maria hill Daraga, Albay. It is one of the most visited churches in the Philippines and serves as one of the major churches in the province of Albay. It was built in March 1773 by Franciscan Priest. The church was made of volcanic stones and the structure of it is based on Baroque-Rococo structure because it has a belfry on the side and a convent on the other side.

After Mayon volcano erupted in 1814, the residents of Cagsawa transferred to Daraga  after their houses and properties in Cagsawa, Albay and the nearby towns were destroyed including the Cagsawa Church.

During the Second World War in 1945, Japanese soldiers used the church as their headquarters and it was heavily damaged by joint American and Filipino military bombers but it was reconstructed in 1971 – 1973. 

In October 29, 2007, the Eastern and Western façade, Bell Tower and Baptistery of the Church was declared by the National Museum as National Cultural Treasure.

With the help of government agencies like the National Historical Commission of the Philippines and the National Commission for Culture and the Arts, the church undergo in rehabilitation to protect and prevent the façade from rapid deterioration and to preserve the church's cultural and historical significance it was covered by lime coating/protective covering (white color).

How To Get There:

If you are in Legazpi City, Take a Daraga-Legazpi jeepney route and ask the driver to bring you to Daraga municipal hall. From the Daraga Municipal Hall, take the stairs that will lead you up to the church.It may cost you Php 10.00 per person. Aside from jepneey,  you can also ride tricycle but the cost may vary depending on your location. 

Kawa Kawa Hill and Nature Park in Ligao City

Kawa-kawa Hill and Natural Park is one of Bicol's tourist spot and it is located at California Village, Barangay Tuburan, Ligao City. It is 25 hectare and owned by Fernando Gonzales.

On your journey to the top of the hill you will see life-size images of the Station of the Cross which makes it a perfect place for reflection especially during Lenten season. Aside from that,  Divine Mercy Shrine and Carmelite Monastery is situated at the foot of the hill.

Luckily, during my trip I had a chance to see nuns praying on the right wing of the church.

The admission is free and there are a lot of refreshments available on your way up. There are also available restaurant and food stalls. 

(Pictures of the statues)

Once you reach the top of the hill, you will see a breath taking view of Ligao City. There is also sunflower garden, which I honestly enjoyed since it's my favorite flower. This place is definitely breath of fresh air for those who wanted to be away from the city.

How to get there

To get to Kawa-kawa Hills, you may take a jeepney from Legazpi City to Ligao City and it may cost around Php 40 per person. You may also take a jeepney that goes to Polangui. Just tell the driver to drop you off to Seventh Day Adventist Church in Tuburan or just tell him your going to Kawa-Kawa Hill, from there, take a tricycle that will take you to the base point of kawa kawa hill, fare is at Php 8 per person.

To Mr. E.V

I never expect na makikita ko siya ulit after so many years. To be honest, he is one of the few people na hindi ko gusto kong makita o maka salubong man lang. But even I feel a bit awkward seeing him still I managed to compose and carry myself. Due to the fact that he is older than me I smile at him out of respect. Since I really don’t want to be in the same room with him kinausap ko na kaagad yung dapat kong kausapin. But he keeps on talking to me na pinilit ko namang sagutin in best way I can. Since we are not the only person inside the room he keeps on mentioning yung connection naming dalawa. I was his student and he used to me my teacher. I don’t want to assume and since I do not completely pay attention sa kung ano man ang sinasabi niya pero ramdam ko sa boses niya nung sinabi niyang estudyante there is a sense of pride on it. Sino ba naman ang mag aakala na kukuha ako ng Master’s Degree?

I did not bother to interfere kung ano man ang pinag uusapan nila dahil wala naman akong pakialam. Ni hindi nga ako nakaramdaman ng kahit katiting na saya nung pangalandakan na estudyante niya ako. Kahit obvious na wala akong interest sa kung anong sinasabi niya ay panay pa din ang tanong niya sa akin. Asking me to organize a reunion, about friend’s life and he even asked me to get married. But I simply dismissed the topic.  

And since hindi naman siya ang dahilan ng pinunta ko nag focus na lang akong kausapin yung secretary ng Grad School. Pero nakuha niya yung atensyon ko when I heard him say something hindi ko siya pinapansin. I honestly want to smirk at him that exact moment. Kung alam lang niya, ni sa panaginip hindi ko siya gustong makita.

Bigla kong na aalala yung sinabi sa akin noon ng kaibigan ko. That I should not hold grudges towards him and I should learn to forgive and forget. Pero tulad ng sinabi ko sa kaibigan ko I already forgive him for what he did but I will never forget what he made me felt.

Tuwing na aalala ko yung ginawa niya kasabay din nung bumabalik lahat ng naramdaman ko. Kung paano niya ako hinatak sa kwelyo at kinaladkad sa lobby.  I was terrified. Wala akong magawa kung hindi umiyak.

I can say he was a good teacher. He taught me that I have to be strong in order to survive. He made me realized na kung ipapakita mo ang emosyon at kung ipapakita mo na mahina ka kakayankayanin ka ng mga tao. It made me realized that I should never put my guard down, that I have to be smart and to be a big thing so that no one will belittle me. He was good for teaching me that lesson, too good that I despise him. He filled my heart with so much hatred that took me months abolish.

Pero tapos na yun, it has been more than 10 years since it happened.  Even though it is still clear in my mind I know one day I will forget about it and I know one day makakalimutan ko din kung yung panliliit na naramdaman ko sa sarili ko noon.

But there is one thing for sure, wala akong sasabihin at wala akong gagawin and he will forever wonder why I am acting this way towards him and that would be my sweetest revenge.